Doll
by just jay
Summary: He was the reason I hated Jackson, Minnesota. And here he was, calling me by my pet names, sucking me in, being irresistible. What was I supposed to do? Here was the guy who tortured me every time I saw him. And I never wanted him more. Kogan. On hiatus.
1. 1 Logan

Thought: This was originally a oneshot but I've decided to do more with this. Not really sure WHERE this will EVER end up, but it's always on my mind, so I've just got to write about it. I changed the ending a bit. Yeah.

* * *

I never thought I'd go back.

Jackson, Minnesota, the town I spent some time in, the town that hated me, the town that I hated. I was a military brat growing up and for whatever reason, when my parents divorced, my mom decided to stay in Jackson, Minnesota. I didn't want to live there - I wanted to go stay in Texas, where I had friends, and a job, and where I was happy and content. My home in Dallas, where I had spent the best three years of my life, Texas, the place, besides Jackson Minnesota, where I had spent the most time.

Mom loved Jackson, though, she honestly did. That's where her parents were buried, that's where she was raised, and that's where she wanted to raise me. "I don't understand your hatred for Jackson, Doll," she said to me the day we moved back.

"Jackson hasn't always been kind to me. You know that." I tried to explain but it wasn't really working. As aforementioned, we had found ourselves in Jackson more than once, and what I knew that my mother didn't was that my father's mistress resided a town away. There were many things about Jackson that I didn't like. The weather, for one. It was the place I almost drowned in a frozen lake because of Kendall Knight. It was the place where I got jumped, and beaten up, and robbed, gunned down and stabbed. It was the place I learned I was gay. It was the place I discovered my hidden talent. It was the place I despised, and I didn't want to spend the remainder of my senior year there.

But, it was either go to Jackson or live on a Navy boat with my promiscuous, irresponsible father. I basically didn't have a choice if I were to finish high school, and obviously, to get into Med School, I had to finish high school first. So, I found myself driving my mother's Vista Cruiser to Jackson Minnesota, packed with boxes of various household items.

"Come on, Doll, cheer up. This is your home."

"This is _your_ home."

"It's yours too."

"This place tried to kill me like, ten times!"

"You always do that. Just think of all the good things that have happened here, Doll. Don't let yourself be blinded by negative thoughts."

"I was stabbed, and robbed!" I reminded.

"You found music here."

"They held a gun to my head."

"You learned to drive. You love to drive."

"I was chased onto a frozen lake and fell through the ice!"

"You fell in _love_."

I shook my head. "I didn't. but I _was_ jumped by the person I thought I loved. He broke my ribs, remember?"

"You were in love with him, Logan. I know you were. Love like that has no age."

"I didn't know what love was. I still don't. I didn't love him. Now shut the hell up."

I rolled my eyes and went back outside to get more boxes. I was bringing them in, she was unpacking, and we were hoping to get this done as quickly as possible. We had a first floor apartment in the lower Eastern part of Jackson. It was getting darker, and I grabbed a box out of the Cruiser. My heart pounded hard in my chest as I saw a familiar figure approaching.

I watched him as he walked to me, taking his time, keeping his pace. I put the box down and stepped in front of it.

"Well, well, looks like I'm seeing a ghost," he said casually.

He towered over me. "What do you want, James?"

"Now, now, is that a way to talk to an old friend? No? You know what Kendall's gonna say when he sees you back around here?"

I didn't care, so I said nothing.

"He's gonna say, 'Logan Mitchell? Like a fucking boomerang, just comes right back.' That's what he'll say, yep. Ya know what I say? It's good to have you back, Doll."

"Oh? Need to stab somebody again?" I questioned.

James laughed. "You know I didn't have a choice, Logie."

"Right," I said. "Being Kendall's pet is more important than doing the right thing."

"It was right at the time and you know it. You were asking for it, Logan."

"Oh, just _begging_, I was. 'James, chase me down and stab me, _please_. Carlos trying to shoot me just _wasn't_ enough' is exactly what I said. Oh, yes."

James laughed again. "Oh, you're so funny, just as I remember you. Always keeping us amused."

"Yeah. That's exactly what I was doing. Keeping you amused."

"Don't sound so down about it, Doll," said James. Kendall and his minions had starting calling me 'Doll' after hearing my mother use it. I was six. I didn't mind it, honestly. It used to bother me, but my whole life, everyone had called me, 'Doll'. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, classmates. I wasn't even sure if half my family knew my real name was Logan. I was just, 'Doll.' "Those were the best days of your life."

Now it was my turn to laugh. "You keep telling yourself that. You people made my life miserable. This is the _last_ place I want to be."

"Yet, here you are."

"Yeah, here I am." I glared at him quickly as I said it.

He studied me before quickly chuckling. "You were fun for us, Logie. I'm glad to have you back. I know Carlos and Kendall will be too."

"I'm not thirteen anymore, James. I'm not going to run any more, from you, or Carlos, or _especially_ Kendall."

James smirked. "Logie, that's good, 'cause we don't want to chase you."

"Well, kill me now, then," I urged, rather being dead than being tortured.

James laughed. "We don't want to kill you either. Kendall and Carlos don't even know you're here. I just happened to be related to the owner of this apartment complex and had to see for myself. Let me tell you, we never wanted to kill you."

"Right, that's why Kendall waited till I was hypothermic and nearly in shock to pull me out of that lake, gotcha."

"Oh Logie," he sighed. "We just like to fuck with you. You're an easy target."

I picked up the box, sick of hearing his voice. "It was nice talking to you."

"Wait."

I stopped, sighed, turned around and waited. I'll never know why I did. Instinct, I guess.

"I want you to know that I'm not telling Kendall you're back. I don't want to be that guy. So for now it's our secret. Because he won't be too happy…"

"I don't get it. _He_ is the one who tried to kill _me_ for no reason-"

"Oh, there was a reason, Doll."

"One that I never knew of, then."

James smirked. "Nah, you never knew. But, I'll tell ya this - you may have left Jackson, but you never left Kendall's mind. Goodnight, Doll."

I didn't question him, instead, I took off for the house, letting him go, putting the box in the kitchen with my mother.

"You alright, Doll? You seen a ghost? You were outside for a bit…"

"Yeah, fine," I said shortly, not wanting to have this conversation. I was still angry with her for having made me move to this freaking god-awful place in the first place.

"Doll, I know you don't want to be here, but this will be good for us. Even you. I know you don't believe me but…people change. You know this."

I shook my head, rolled my eyes, and locked myself in the bedroom designated to me. I closed the door hard behind me, not forgetting to lock it.

I was sweating when I woke up. It'd been two weeks since I'd moved in, and my first day as a senior in the High School that Kendall, James and Carlos went to started in a few hours.

I'd slept uneasily since I had gotten there, so I was used to waking up in a pool of sweat. I looked at my locked window, wanting to open it and let cool air splash against my hot face. I stood up and did just that, wondering exactly what James had meant about me leaving Jackson, but not Kendall's mind. It was a creepy thought, but Kendall wasn't leaving my mind, either.

The first time I met Kendall, I was six. It was my second time living in Minnesota, but my first time in Jackson. This beastly kid named Billy was beating on me in the playground and Kendall came over and stopped him. Then, as I was down, and Billy was gone, Kendall kicked me hard in the face, breaking my nose for the first time. Since then, all he had ever done was beat on me, or order his pets to beat on me. I'd left and returned to Jackson four times. At ages 5-6, 9-10, 12-14, and then 17. The 12-14 was by far the worst. The last time I saw Kendall, he was pulling me out of the same lake he let me almost die in.

I sighed and yawned. I was tired but I knew sleep would never encumber me. I wasn't sure what the day had in store for me, and I was worried about what was going to happen. I didn't have a good feeling about it. I knew I was going to come across Kendall at some point during that day, and I knew the past was going to resurface. The worst part about all of that, I still had a crush on Kendall.

I left the house before my mother even woke up. I didn't want to see her, or talk to her, or hear her tell me to 'have a good day, Doll' because I knew that was impossible.

I kept my head up, along with my guard, as I made my way toward the school. I had spent two months at that school as a freshman, and I remembered where it was and how it operated. I wasn't thrilled about going back, but I was going to bitch out.

There weren't many people there when I arrived, and as instructed, I went to the principal's office to get my schedule. I had a lot of honors and advanced classes, so I was pretty confident I wouldn't have many classes with Kendall and his followers.

I ran through my rout, finding each one of my classrooms before the hallways filled with students. A girl bumped into me, and her books went flying all over the hallway.

"Gees!" I shouted, "What _was_ that for!"

She slapped her head hard. "I'm sorry! It was an accident…I wasn't paying attention!"

I grabbed a book and handed it to her. "Well, watch the fuck out. You're not the only one in the halls."

"Chill out, dude, I said I was sorry. Who the hell do you thi..-Doll?"

"Stalker?" I questioned.

"Holy shit!" She said. "It IS you! Where have you been, you mother fucker!"

"I still don't know who you are!"

"It's me! Camille!" She hugged me tightly, so I just hugged back.

"Oh, Camille. Right. Yeah, of course I remember you! What's been going on in this crazy town?"

"Oh, nothing ever changes in a town like Jackson," said Camille.

I bit my lip, not wanting to ask, but wanting to know the answer. "Even Kendall?"

She faintly faked a smile but her voice was full of disappointment. "Yeah. Even Kendall. He's just gotten…better. Or worse, depending on how you look at it….everybody was wondering when you'd come back, Doll. We thought you were honestly done…"

"I thought I was too. But I'm not afraid this time, Camille."

"Nobody blamed you for being for being scared the last time, Doll. They -"

"I didn't run away. I know that's what they thought. My dad was moved back to Dallas after the accident. That's why I didn't come back. I wasn't afraid of Kendall then, either. Like many other aspects of my life, I just didn't have a choice."

"So, why are you back?"

"…I didn't have a choice."

She smiled. "Your mom, huh? Well…it's nice to have you back, Doll. Oh, and just so you know, _I_ never thought you ran away."

She turned and started walking, and the hallways were filling up now that the buses had let the students off. I found my way back to my first class, and sat there quietly while waiting to see anyone I knew. Once I introduced myself, half of the class gasped.

I guess they remembered me.

I just heard, "Doll this," and "Doll that," and "Where the hell have you been, Doll?" "Oh, wow, I didn't think you'd ever come back, Doll," and "Like seeing that ghost."

James was in my first block class, English 12 Honors, which surprised me.

James smirked in his corner and the teacher wanted everyone to settle down, welcomed me back even though he had never met me before that day.

At the end of that class, James said, "He's here today, Logie. You'll be seeing him, I promise you."

"I'm not afraid, _Jamie_," I said. "I don't really _care_ if Kendall is here."

He smirked. "Oh, you care, Doll. That's why you've got this tough act going on."

"People change, James."

"No they don't, Logan."

It took me about half the day before I saw him. He had seen me first, I knew. We were in the lunch room, I sat at a round table by myself, obviously drawing attention. Carlos, Kendall, and James all approached me, slammed trays down on the table, and Kendall smirked, and James and Carlos glared.

"Well, well," said Kendall. "The rumors are true. 'Doll's back, Doll's back'. Well, Doll, you're like a boomerang. Ya just keep coming back, don't you? I thought you'd learn your lesson the last time."

"Oh, you mean the time you left me to die in a frozen lake?"

Kendall smiled, nodded, and helped himself to a seat. "Yeah. That time. I came back for ya, though, Doll, don't forget about that."

"Oh, I won't forget about that. Nor will I forget the times you had James stab me and Carlos try to shoot me. Ya missed, by the way," I said snobbishly, glaring at Carlos, then moving my glare to Kendall, waiting for a response.

He was still smirking. "Oh, lookie here, boys, The Little Dolly has grown some balls. I never thought that was possible. Ya know, Doll, this is going to be one unforgettable year for ya."

"Well, I'm waiting."

"What _are_ ya waiting for exactly?"

"For this unforgettable year. What are you going to do this year, Kendall? Lock me in a tub of poisonous spiders and snakes? Tie me up and throw me in shark infested waters? Beat me in an alley and leave me to die?"

"We already tried that last one and it didn't work because I saved ya after that, too Doll. If ya can't remember, I have a hard time letting ya go."

"Oh, I remember. You like to make me suffer before you take me to the hospital. So I can't die. I can just come back like - what was it? - a boomerang, so you can make me suffer and save me some more."

"Well, I rather it be me making ya suffer than someone else, Doll."

"You say my name too much," I noticed.

"I just like the way it sounds. Doll. Doll. Doll."

I took in a deep breath and studied them. These three, arrogant airheads. Other students were watching us like hawks, clearly trying to make sure I wasn't going to run away again after Kendall and his posse beat the shit out of me. Kendall, however, looked at his pets, and they grabbed their trays and dispersed, leaving it just the two of us.

"I ain't gonna beat ya up, Doll," said Kendall, "I know that's what you're thinking. I don't _want_ to beat ya up. I want to talk to ya, know what happened. I want to know why ya left, and why ya back."

I didn't want to question him, or argue with him. I just wanted to get this day over with. "I left for the same reason I always leave. I _wasn't_ afraid of you, Kendall. I was afraid of getting hurt, that's why I ran. But I'm not afraid now, either. I came back because of my mother. No other reason."

He smiled. "I think ya missed me, Doll."

"None in the slightest."

He shook his head. "Ya always look to the left when ya lie."

My eyes shifted.

"Well, I have to say, I missed _you_, Doll. Jackson is never the same without ya. Ya belong here, I know ya do."

"I belong in Dallas."

"Nah. You're too much like that boomerang, Doll. Ya just keep coming back to me. Ya know why? Cas you belong with me."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Oh, I do, every day. Ya'll never know how much I missed having ya around, Doll. Ya don't know how much I thought about ya. Ya ran through my mind constantly -"

"You're borderline creeper, now, Kendall," I told him. "You beat me the fuck up, you tell me I'm pathetic, useless, worthless, and now, I'm back, and you're telling me you missed me? What? Do you need to be recommended to a loony bin? Because I can pull some strings. I know the Chief of Medicines."

Kendall laughed. "Oh, Logie. Ya were blind then, and ya blind now."

"Don't even tell me this is one of those be-mean-to-your-crush-things, Kendall Knight, I swear to god, you left me to die."

"I liked to torture ya Logie because I wanted to be the one that saved ya. I wasn't sure what it was, hell I still ain't, but I'm pretty sure I just wanted to play super hero. But I was the villain. And I'm sorry."

"Are you crazy! This _isn't_ happening…after all that? All these years of torture you just decide to tell me you had a crush on me the whole time? How do you do that and expect me to just forgive you?"

He smirked. "'Cas I'm Ken, and your Doll, and that's how it's supposed to be."

I shook my head. "I don't know about that. How can I trust you? You chased me onto a frozen lake! I was stabbed!" I lifted up my shirt to show him the scar, which looked raw and gross, and I hated it. "Carlos shot at me! You jumped me and left me in an alley to die and you stole my wallet."

"I went back for ya," Kendall said, his eyes suddenly looking pleading. I was so confused. This was so random. People didn't change. Kendall didn't change. He was luring me in, trying to get close to me so he could attack. That's what I felt like. But part of me trusted him. He _did_ go back for me…but he _initiated_ it! He started all of this. He was the reason I hated Jackson, Minnesota. And here he was, calling me by my pet names, sucking me in, being irresistible. What was I supposed to do? Here was the guy who tortured me every time I saw him. And I never wanted him more. He was so stunning, his face, his features...I couldn't resist him. When we were kids, it was like we were playing tag. Now, it's like he's finally caught me.

I nodded, agreeing. "Yeah. You came back for me."

"Just like you came back for me. Ya didn't come back to Jackson for just _anybody_."

I laughed. "You're right. I came back because my mom wanted me to."

"Are ya regretting it?"

"Not thus far."

"Are ya scared now?"

I studied his eyes. "None in the slightest."

He smirked. "Good. 'Cas I need to have ya around, Doll. Ya like my heart or something, ya make my blood actually go."

My heart beat hard in my chest and for a second I thought I was going to puke, I thought I was dreaming, something. I just didn't feel like I was in Jackson, with Kendall Knight. I felt like I was in Dallas, with the guy of my dreams, who happened to look exactly like Kendall, but wasn't Kendall.

But, this was Kendall.

I was in Jackson.

And the crush I'd had on him all those years ago, the one I thought I'd never lost, I knew then, I didn't. "How is this happening? This isn't…"

"Oh, but it is. Don't forget, people change."

"I thought they didn't?"

"I haven't seen you in three years. I've matured. I've changed. You've changed, clearly, you've changed. Ya grew up…I've grown up. We've all grown up."

"I saw Camille today. She said you didn't change."

He smirked. "Ratting out ya friends so quickly, there, Doll, I like it. Camille doesn't know me. She knows of me, yeah, but she could _never_ get on my level."

I blinked, not really believing he'd just said that. "She can't get on your level?" I repeated.

"Nah. She can't in my head. She'd never understand. She doesn't know what it's like."

"And I do?"

He gave a quick, subtle nod. "Yeah. Because I spent a lot of time trying to teach ya."

I was so confused. "What are you talking about -"

He lifted up his shirt and showed me a scar, matching the one I had. He rolled up his sleeve, and showed me a circular scar. "I knew ya had it bad, Doll. But ya didn't know I had it bad. I just did to ya what was done to me, so ya would know. I just wanted ya to know…"

My heart was in my stomach at this point. "…you did to me what was done to you?" I questioned.

"Yeah."

"…because you wanted me on your level?"

He looked crushed, but nodded. "Yeah. It sounds really bad now that ya lay it out…"

"Because it is really bad!" I said.

He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"It's not funny. I could have-"

"I wouldn't have let ya die, Doll," he said. "I knew what I was doing cause it was all done to me. I knew how to handle the situations I threw at ya, and I made ya stronger person. Granted, I didn't do it in a good way, but I did it in the only way I knew how. Do you blame me?"

"…yes. Yes I do. Who else am I going to blame? Myself? My mom? I just don't…I'll _never _understand why you did what you did. You literally attempted to murder me. Why are you even talking to me right now?"

Kendall shrugged and got up. "I have no idea."

I watched his back as he walked out the cafeteria doors.

* * *

Note: I am addicted to it. I don't know what the reason is. But Days & TWDTA are still my priorties, and a lot of people have quit at my job and I've been getting a lot more hours lately which I'm not happy about. I even got burned by coffee and my hand is still red ): I hate working so much because I love writing a LOT. lol. anyway. thanks for reading! (:


	2. 1 Kendall

Thought: I'm gonna cut back on the 'ya's' because they are kind of confusing lol. But I won't stop _completely_. Also, this was kinda a filler or so. I don't know. haha. let's just go with it. Kendall's pov, btw. I'll be alternating.

* * *

When I was young, my dad left.

I mean, I should have saw it coming even though I was like, seven. He wasn't exactly a prize guy, if you know what I mean. He just…didn't care. Him and mom had, like, screaming matches with each other basically daily. I was a pretty bad kid, but considering I grew up the way I did…

He was heartless, I guess you could say. He showed me no mercy. I had to be _perfect_, even when I was just a kid. When I had fucking troubles with the damn math and the reading bullshit, he would beat me. I completely bombed a fucking vocab quiz and he spazzed and threatened me with a knife. When I failed again he_ used_ the knife.

The day he shot me was the day he left, my dad. The teachers told mom I was dyslexic and he couldn't have a stupid fucking kid and when he shot me, mom lost it and told him to get his fucking ass out of her house or she'd call the cops. I mean, she should have anyways, but I was a kid, Katie was a baby, and it was just easier to kick him out.

And he left without coming back.

Not to say that I minded, I could live the rest of my life happily without ever seeing him again, it'd be no problem. I just kind of, ya know, had questions, but I guess they were better off unanswered.

Anyway, once he was gone, I was a pretty angry kid. I wanted someone to feel what I had felt, I wanted _someone_ to be on my level. And when I saw that beast of a fucker Billy who-cares-about-his-last-name beating up that tiny kid on the playground, I got angry, so I got that fat fuck to knock the shit off and when the kid looked up at me, I kicked him in the nose so hard I heard the crunch as the bone snapped. I didn't fucking care, though, nope, not me, because I was going to get him on my level, if it was the last thing I did.

Don't ask me why I wanted someone on my level because I'll tell you you're fucking funny if you think I knew. I also don't know why I chose Logan Mitchell, but I just did. He was there, it felt right and I didn't really give a fuck about anyone else but the kid my eyes were looking at. And since then, I'd tried to get him on my level.

I was at a _great_ fucking level, I mean, I'm Kendall. And he was Doll. It just fit. I was a confused kid, but the one solid thing I had in my life at that point was picking on Doll and trying to get him to my level. At that time I wasn't sure if he needed to get _down_ on my level or _up_ to my level, but I knew he wasn't on it, and it was where he needed to be.

He kept fucking leaving and coming back, like a goddamned boomerang. His dad was in the navy or some shit and he was bounced around but he always found his way back to me. I'd jumped him, I'd had James stab him, Carlos tried to shoot him, I stole his wallet, but I didn't spend his money, or anything like that. In fact, I still _had_ his wallet. His school ID and fifty bucks still in tact.

I did what I had to do, I think. I had a reputation at a young age, not a good one, I mean. Nobody wanted their kids to be friends with me, but kids _wanted_ to be friends with me. They wanted me on their side because nobody wanted to be my enemy. James and Carlos were my best friends, and they did whatever I asked of them, and I had their backs. I beat up James's dad once after they got in a heated argument, and he's been forever grateful and loyal. And there was a kid who picked on Carlos one time, but I put that asshole in his place. He was a pecker, that one.

Anyway, I woke up and went to school. I was finally a senior, and I was right on schedule, right on track, where I needed to be, however you want to phrase it. I went to my class. I was in a lot of those slow classes and I got a lot of extra help but it wasn't my fault I mixed up numbers and letters. The only thing I was good at was science and I was in a college prep class for that and the teacher really liked me.

So I went to my first block class and I heard some gossip that was real interesting to me.

Doll was back.

Like a fucking boomerang, I thought, Doll was always like a boomerang. I smirked, nonetheless at hearing this news and I talked to him at lunch, but he was different.

The last time I saw Doll I'd pulled him out of a lake and carried his ass to the hospital. He was running, like a bitch, and I was chasing, like cat and mouse. He was scared, but he'd always say he was brave. But if you're brave, you don't run. You fight back. And Doll never did.

Till I saw him at lunch, and he was snappy, and quick and unlike the Doll I knew.

"Well, well," I said when I saw him in the lunchroom. "The rumors are true. 'Doll's back, Doll's back'. Well, Doll, you're like a boomerang. Ya just keep coming back, don't you? I thought you'd learn your lesson the last time."

"Oh, you mean the time you left me to die in a frozen lake?"

I smiled and sat down. "Yeah. That time. I came back for ya, though, Doll, don't forget about that."

"Oh, I won't forget about that. Nor will I forget the times you had James stab me and Carlos try to shoot me. Ya missed, by the way," he snapped, glaring at Carlos then looking back at me.

I was smirking. "Oh, lookie here, boys, The Little Dolly has grown some balls. I never thought that was possible. Ya know, Doll, this is going to be one unforgettable year for ya."

"Well, I'm waiting."

"What _are_ ya waiting for exactly?"

"For this unforgettable year. What are you going to do this year, Kendall? Lock me in a tub of poisonous spiders and snakes? Tie me up and throw me in shark infested waters? Beat me in an alley and leave me to die?"

"We already tried that last one and it didn't work because I saved ya after that, too Doll. If ya can't remember, I have a hard time letting ya go."

"Oh, I remember. You like to make me suffer before you take me to the hospital. So I can't die. I can just come back like - what was it? - a boomerang, so you can make me suffer and save me some more."

"Well, I rather it be me making ya suffer than someone else, Doll."

"You say my name too much," he said.

"I just like the way it sounds. Doll. Doll. Doll."

I looked at Carlos and James, and gave them the look that said, 'leave' and they did.

"I ain't gonna beat ya up, Doll," I said, "I know that's what you're thinking. I don't _want_ to beat ya up. I want to talk to ya, know what happened. I want to know why ya left, and why ya back."

"I left for the same reason I always leave. I _wasn't_ afraid of you, Kendall. I was afraid of getting hurt, that's why I ran. But I'm not afraid now, either. I came back because of my mother. No other reason."

He said he wasn't afraid of me, but he was afraid of getting hurt. I wanted to laugh. What the fuck was the difference?

I smiled. "I think ya missed me, Doll."

His eyes shifted to the left slightly. "None in the slightest."

"Ya always look to the left when ya lie."

His eyes shifted again, as if completely confused at what to do.

"Well, I have to say, I missed _you_, Doll. Jackson is never the same without ya. Ya belong here, I know ya do."

"I belong in Dallas."

"Nah. You're too much like that boomerang, Doll. Ya just keep coming back to me. Ya know why? Cas you belong with me."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Oh, I do, every day. Ya'll never know how much I missed having ya around, Doll. Ya don't know how much I thought about ya. Ya ran through my mind constantly -"

"You're borderline creeper, now, Kendall," He said. I was dying with laughter on the inside. "You beat me the fuck up, you tell me I'm pathetic, useless, worthless, and now, I'm back, and you're telling me you missed me? What? Do you need to be recommended to a loony bin? Because I can pull some strings. I know the Chief of Medicines."

I laughed. "Oh, Logie. Ya were blind then, and ya blind now."

"Don't even tell me this is one of those be-mean-to-your-crush-things, Kendall Knight, I swear to god, you left me to die."

"I liked to torture ya Logie because I wanted to be the one that saved ya. I wasn't sure what it was, hell I still ain't, but I'm pretty sure I just wanted to play super hero. But I was the villain. And I'm sorry."

"Are you crazy! This _isn't_ happening…after all that? All these years of torture you just decide to tell me you had a crush on me the whole time? How do you do that and expect me to just forgive you?"

I smirked. "'Cas I'm Ken, and your Doll, and that's how it's supposed to be."

He shook his head. "I don't know about that. How can I trust you? You chased me onto a frozen lake! I was stabbed!" He dramatically lifted up his shirt to show me the scar, which I didn't care about because I had my own. "Carlos shot at me! You jumped me and left me in an alley to die and you stole my wallet."

"I went back for ya," I reminded.

He nodded, agreeing. "Yeah. You came back for me."

"Just like you came back for me. Ya didn't come back to Jackson for just _anybody_."

He faked a laugh. "You're right. I came back because my mom wanted me to."

"Are ya regretting it?"

"Not thus far."

"Are ya scared now?"

He studied me. "None in the slightest."

I smirked. "Good. 'Cas I need to have ya around, Doll. Ya like my heart or something, ya make my blood actually go."

"How is this happening? This isn't…"

"Oh, but it is. Don't forget, people change."

"I thought they didn't?"

"I haven't seen you in three years. I've matured. I've changed. You've changed, clearly, you've changed. Ya grew up…I've grown up. We've all grown up."

"I saw Camille today. She said you didn't change."

I smirked, knowing I hadn't really changed. But, unlike Doll, I was a good liar. "Ratting out ya friends so quickly, there, Doll, I like it. Camille doesn't know me. She knows of me, yeah, but she could _never_ get on my level."

"She can't get on your level?" he repeated dully.

"Nah. She can't in my head. She'd never understand. She doesn't know what it's like."

"And I do?"

I nodded quickly. "Yeah. Because I spent a lot of time trying to teach ya."

He looked dazed. "What are you talking about -"

I showed him my stab scar, and the scar on my arm from the bullet. "I knew ya had it bad, Doll. But ya didn't know I had it bad. I just did to ya what was done to me, so ya would know. I just wanted ya to know…"

. "…you did to me what was done to you?" he questioned.

"Yeah."

"…because you wanted me on your level?"

"Yeah... It sounds really bad now that ya lay it out…"

"Because it is really bad!" he shouted.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"It's not funny. I could have-"

"I wouldn't have let ya die, Doll," I told him, and that was true. I loved the kid too much to ever let him die. "I knew what I was doing cause it was all done to me. I knew how to handle the situations I threw at ya, and I made ya stronger person. Granted, I didn't do it in a good way, but I did it in the only way I knew how. Do you blame me?"

"…yes. Yes I do. Who else am I going to blame? Myself? My mom? I just don't…I'll _never_ understand why you did what you did. You literally attempted to murder me. Why are you even talking to me right now?"

I shrugged and got up, not wanting to continue this conversation any longer. "I have no idea," I said.

I felt better after having that goddamned conversation. I had to have it with him though because it was inevitable like, it _had_ to be done because I didn't want to fight with Doll anymore. I didn't want to have to chase him and I didn't want to be enemies with him.

But it appeared I was going to _have_ to chase him, just in a different way. And I was completely willing to do so.

* * *

Note: Wahoo. I FREAKING LOVE KOGAN. Just saying. Oh, and Kendall swears. A lot. Thanks for reading (:


	3. 2 Logan

Thoughts: This is quite long. But the last chapter, in my opinion, was quite short. And it took a long time to update. And, one of my favorite stories and authors are all of a sudden gone from the site, which was quite depressing. I've been quite depressed lately. -endquiterant-. Thanks for encouraging me to continue this, really. Writing it is actually helping me.

* * *

I was in my room doing homework, studying hard, doing what I do best, when there was a knock at my door. I looked up at it, waiting for my mother to let herself in.

"Hi," she said upon entering.

"Can I help you with something?"

She sighed. "Come on, Doll, cheer up."

I ignored her and turned my attention back to my research paper. "I'm kind of busy here, so make it quick."

"Whatever happened to my sweet little baby?"

"He grew up. Now what the hell do you want?"

"She frowned. I was just…well, I was wondering if you'd run to the market to pick up milk and eggs…"

I rolled my eyes and stood up, ready for a break from the research paper. I held my hand out for the money and she placed a ten in my hand. "Get a snack, if you want," she said.

I said nothing, walked past her, and headed out of the apartment. I threw my hood up and walked down the streets of Jackson, going as slowly as possible to spend some time out of the house. The last time I lived in Jackson, I hardly even left the house in fear of running into Kendall, Carlos or James. I'll never admit to being afraid back then, but with my confidence now as I walked to the market, I knew that in the past, I had been afraid.

The last time mom asked me go get milk in Jackson, I had ran into Carlos. He'd smirked at me, and pulled out the gun, holding it to my head. "I could do it, you know," he said to me, "I could do it right now, right here, in the tempo, and kill you. You think you're funny, showing Kendall of in algebra? "X is three, not six." Ha! What a joke. Nobody even reduces, Doll, not even me, so knock it the fuck off, if you know what's good for you."

I didn't correct him about it being a _temple_, not a tempo, because I certainly didn't want to cross him.

Once he let go, I _booked_ it, running as fast as I could, feeling like a cheetah, but I heard the gunshot as he shot at me. He missed; but I kept running, and running, and I didn't look back. I ran straight home, out of breath, and mom said, "where's the milk?"

I breathed heavily, said, "Fuck off," and went into my room.

Now, though, I wasn't worried about Carlos, or James, or Kendall. I didn't care whether I lived or died anymore. I didn't care about my future, or my past. I only focused what was going on in the present, and most of the time I barely cared about that.

I was avoiding Kendall. I hadn't talked to him since that day in the lunchroom, and I didn't acknowledge James, or Carlos. I had one class with each of them, apparently them all having different strengths. James was in honors English with me, and he was quite articulate and did really well in the class. Carlos was in my honors calculus class, which wasn't so surprising because he'd always been good at math. Not as good as me, of course, but my brain worked differently than everyone else's. Kendall was in my advanced Chemistry class, and he did quite well in that class, but I steered clear of him, staying on the opposite side of the room as him whenever possible.

I approached the market smoothly. I'd been in Jackson for a month or so now, and this was the first time I'd been to the market. It still looked the same. I didn't know what to believe anymore about changes. Some things changed, others didn't, and I wasn't sure what did and what didn't. But I can tell you now, that market, the town ,the faces, none of that changed.

I recognized the old man behind the counter as I paid for the milk, eggs, and kit-kat bar, and he studied me, clearly recognizing me as well. "Hey, there," he said finally. "I saw your momma the other day. Said you guys were back for good."

"_She_ is. I doubt _I'll_ stay very long."

"You know, I remember seeing you when you were first born. Your momma and daddy brought you down to show your auntie her new nephew."

I didn't know what to say, because I didn't really care. "Okay."

He chuckled. "When you were six, you knocked down a shelf of soda bottles. They all exploded. Soda was everywhere. Your momma apologized, said she'd pay for every single one of them, but I refused it, because it was just an accident. You were crying, and crying, and you felt so bad about what happened. You were different than all the other kids. You still different, Doll?"

I shrugged and took a deep breath. "I hope so."

"Well…it was nice to see you, again."

I nodded. "Yeah. Chances are, I'll be back."

I carried the milk, the eggs were in a back with my opened kit-kat bar, and I sucked on one finger of the bar at a time, and reached for another one every time I finished one.

Once I passed under a streetlight, I noticed a shadow. For a second, I thought it was mine, but I was wearing my hood, and _clearly _the person in the shadow had hair all about. I stopped in my tracks and turned.

A smiling face under blonde hair was staring back at me.

"Are you stalking?" I asked.

He laughed. "Naw, I've only been following you for five minutes."

"You're stalking," I accused.

"I'm not."

"Then what the hell do you want?"

He shrugged.

"Well, if you don't mind leaving me the fuck alone, that'd be fantastic."

"Oh, come on, Doll, you can't avoid me forever. You can't hate me forever for the past."

"Um, yeah, I can, and yeah, I will."

"You love me," he accused. "You loved all those things I did to you because I made you the person you are. You can't deny loving every minute of the attention the guys and I gave you."

I rolled my eyes. "How many times do I have to remind you that you tried to kill me?"

"I only came close, like, three times. And I knew how to save you."

"I almost froze to death. My feet were black for three weeks and I couldn't even walk."

"You're walking now just fine."

"Kendall, can't you just leave me alone? I don't want to think about the past, okay?"

"So let it the fuck go. You can't change what happened."

"No, but I'm not going back to it."

"I'm not saying you are. I'm saying let it go. Forget about it. Don't fucking dwell on it and ignore me. You obviously grew a pair since then, so why don't you fucking suck it up and stop ignoring me all the damn time?"

"It's been two weeks since I talked to you. I've been gone for years. You've clearly been doing just fine without me, so, continue on as if I'm not here."

He smirked. "I can't do that," he said. "Do you know what I been thinking about since you left?"

"How many guesses do I get?"

"None," he said firmly. "Doll, if you want to move on from the past, then move on. The only way to do that is by letting the past go."

"Um, yeah, so I let my guard down, forgive you for a second and when my back is turned, bam! There's a knife in it? No thanks, Kendall. This doesn't sit well with me. We can't be friends, we can't be acquaintances, we can't be classmates. You do you, I'll do me, and we'll stay the fuck out of each other's ways till we graduate, and I leave, and you'll never have to see me ever again."

"…but I _want_ to see you."

"Too bad, so sad."

"Come on, Logan, don't fucking be a pussy ass bitch," his voice rose.

"I'm not the one begging for forgiveness here."

"What can I do to prove to you that I've changed?"

"_Why_ the fuck do you _want_ to! Huh! It doesn't matter to me, don't you get that! You can change a thousand times, Kendall Knight, and nothing would even matter because I can't fucking forgive you for everything you've done to me."

He stayed silent for a moment, and just as I was about to turn around and walk away, he said, "You're the only person I've ever known that's left Jackson. You keep coming back for a reason, Doll."

"I'm forced," I said plainly. "That's the only fucking reason."

He shook his head. "I don't think it is," he said.

"What do you think the reason is, then?"

"You're still standing here, talking to me."

I laughed. "One day, Kendall, you'll realize that my life doesn't revolve around you. The _world_ doesn't revolve around you."

"Then why are you still here?"

"…I don't even know." I pulled out the last kit kat finger out of the bag, stuck it in my mouth, and turned and started walking. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that Kendall still followed; and I grew a little aggravated, and I chewed my kit kat, turned and said, "I don't know what else to say to get it through your big fat fucking head to realize that _I_ _will_ _not_ _forgive_ _you_!"

"You will, though."

"Give me three reasons, Kendall! Okay? Three fucking reasons why I should ever even consider forgiving you."

Kendall's eyes shifted. "One should be enough," he said, "Because I fucking love you."

My heart beat hard in my chest because I knew he wasn't lying, but I shook my head. I didn't want to believe him, I didn't want to accept this, and I certainly did not want to forgive Kendall. I shrugged a shoulder. "You don't."

He nodded, "Yeah, I do."

"No. You. Don't."

"I do, Logan, I love you."

I dropped the bag and the milk, the milk rolled on it's side and egg yolk dripped out of the bag. I shoved Kendall as hard as I could against the brick wall, even though I knew he could take me with his hands tied behind his back. "You fucking don't!" I screamed as loud as I could in his face. "Okay? _Leave_ me the fuck alone! Seriously, I hate you! I FUCKING HATE YOU, KENDALL KNIGHT!"

I let him go, and waited for him to pounce on me, but he didn't. He stayed where I left him, and just watched me as I glared at him.

He shook his head, and bit his lip, and said, "…you don't hate me."

I growled in frustration, and said, "Yeah. I really do."

He shook his head again, and I was _so_ angry that he kept denying it that I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I wanted to kill him, because I truly hated every bit of him at that point. So, I swung at him with all my might, and he went down, and jumped back up, and we got into a pretty heated fist-fight right there on the sidewalk, and to my surprise, we were pretty evenly matched. Either Kendall was going easy on me, or I'd gained muscle that I didn't know about.

I'd only been in a few fist fights before, but this was the first one that I'd started, and this was the first one that there were no witnesses to decide when we should stop fighting. I swear Kendall and I were beating each other up for twenty minutes before he got me _really_ good under my left eye, and I knew I was done. I stayed on the ground, scooted back so my back was against the wall.

Kendall flopped down next to me, panting, and bleeding from his lip and nose. "Why are you fighting with me, Doll?"

"Don't call me that," I said. That had been the first time I'd ever told anybody not to call me Doll, and it was weird.

"Okay, _Logan_, why are you fighting?"

"If your brain is too slow to process it, we've stopped fighting! _Why_ are you still here? Just go already."

"Come on, what if I gave you a concussion."

"I'm a-o-fucking-kay."

Kendall sighed and stood up, picking up my milk and bag of eggs and said, "Come on, I'll walk you home."

"Fuck off, Kendall."

"You're living at James's uncle's place, right?" he said, and started to walk.

Part of me wanted to let him go alone, part of me wanted to just sit where I was, ignore Kendall, and go home alone, without the damn milk. Mom could fuck herself for all I cared when it came to the milk. I slowly stood up, just now feeling sore from fighting with Kendall, and I dragged myself two steps behind him.

"I really hate you," I kept saying, as he stayed silent. "I wish I never met you. You're awful. You're mean. you're rotten. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I wish you were dead. I can't believe you. You're so selfish. You're a fucking asshole."

I kept insulting him the whole way home, giving him my best, and he still stayed silent as he carried my milk and eggs two steps ahead of me.

"You're a douche bag. Wait, by saying that, I've insulted a douche bag. You're a cock-licking, penis-loving, malicious, narcissistic, idiotic, repulsive, disgusting creature. You're vile, and pathetic, and cruel, and heartless."

By the time we got to the apartment, Kendall turned and calmly said, "Okay. Are you finished now?"

"I could go on forever," I informed him, and I almost proceeded to continue, but suddenly, Kendall's lips were on mine, and it felt _so fucking right_ that I was kissing him back and I liked it. After a few moments, I realized it was Kendall, and pulled away. I shook my head, and Kendall was grinning, knowing he'd just fucking triggered something by doing that.

"Have you forgiven me yet?"

I shook my head, but I kept my voice calm. "It's not that easy, Kendall."

"Sure it is."

"You can't just waltz over here, walk me home, kiss me, and expect everything to be okay."

"But it _is_ okay!" Kendall said, "Logan, since you've been back, I haven't _done_ anything wrong. Like I said, it's all in the past. And you're right, I'm begging you for forgiveness." He got down on his knees, placing the milk and eggs gently next to him. "I'm literally begging you. I'm not sorry for it, but I'm begging you to forgive me, and I'm promising I'm never going to put you in danger. Well, purposefully anyway. I'll do _anything_ to prove myself to you."

I shook my head and bit my lip, the lip that Kendall had just kissed and made me so badly want to forgive him. I wasn't ready to cave in. I wasn't ready to break down and let Kendall in. "…I can't…I just…can't."

Kendall didn't understand, and I couldn't make him.

But, I didn't understand Kendall, and I didn't know if I ever could.

Kendall gave me my space for a while, I'd have to admit. Thanksgiving had come and gone, and Christmas was coming fast. I'd heard from my dad twice, briefly, since he'd left. He traveled _a lot_, even after they moved us all completely. Dad had been out to sea since July and I hated not talking to him so much. My dad and I had been pretty good friends. Despite being strict, and in the navy, I favored him over my mother.

Sure, mom let me get away with a lot more, but she tried too hard. With Dad, everything we did was just…natural. Mom was more forced about it. I always felt bad that she didn't have a little girl to do girl things with, but I was definitely my father's son. I wanted to be _just _like him my whole life, and that's why I never complained about the move, till the one that he wouldn't be joining us, of course.

Like I said, I'd only heard from him twice since July. It was now December, and I was really frustrated. The voice in my head kept telling me he was just busy, there was no service anywhere, _something_ was why he didn't call more. But, I always heard the counterargument voice saying, your dad fucking hates you because you're a pussy ass bitch.

I hated the latter voice. But I couldn't get it to shut up. Ever.

So, imagine my surprise to get a phone call from my father that evening; no-static, no background yelling, hooting hollering, just my dad. "Hey, Deputy Doll," he said; _that_ nickname was way more embarrassing than just Doll, but Dad was allowed to call me whatever he wanted. Deputy Doll worked for him since I was given the name Doll when I was freaking born. I was used to ridiculous family nicknames by the time I was seventeen.

I smiled upon hearing my father's voice. "Dad!" I said, "Where've you been!"

He went on about traveling through the Gulf of Mexico, something about the Caribbean and their way over to Jamaica.

"When are you coming back?"

"…se that's the thing, Doll," he said, his voice faltering slightly as he sighed when he spoke. My heart dropped to my stomach and I suspected the worst.

"How long?"

"Well they wanted to -"

"How. Long."

"I'll probably be out of the country for another year," he said finally, his voice soft. "…and…well, when I come back…I'm not coming to Jackson."

Hot tears silently rolled down my face as I had expected this. My dad, my best friend, this wasn't the first time he told me he wasn't coming home. My dad had this problem with girls, and this problem with commitment. He and my mother were never married; but they had this on-again-off-again thing. My mom loved him, you see, but he didn't exactly love her back. She just happened to be the one he knocked up. He was with her for a long time, especially after I was born. When I was about ten, that's when he started to act up, and he hadn't stopped since. Mom and dad weren't _really_ together, but they were together. It was confusing, but basically, my dad did (literally) whatever he wanted to.

"…why not?" my voice was quiet and pathetic as I spoke, but I didn't want him to know I was crying.

"Oh, Doll," he said, "You know about…wait…did your mother tell you about Lauren?"

"Who?"

"Guess not."

"WHO!"

"…I met a woman-"

"Oh, shocking."

"Don't use those sarcastic tones with me, Logan Thomas," he warned. "As I was saying, I met this woman, Lauren. She's…wonderful and amazi-"

"Dad…"

"Doll?"

"Dad….?"

"Are you okay, Doll?"

"…why don't you call more often?"

"I try to, Doll, but I'm on the boat a lot and there's no phones let alone service in the middle of the ocean. You know that."

"…why aren't you coming home to Jackson? Really, though. I don't want to hear about the girl. What are you doing instead of Jackson?"

"I'm going to live in Singapore," he said seriously, "with Lauren. I'm retiring early."

My heart beat hard and I was livid. That one mean voice in my head, the one that urged me to be mean to my mother, was finally sticking up against my father. "So, you can drop out of the navy for some random chick you meet, but not for me? You can live _9,000_ miles away from me to be with some woman? What the fuck is the matter with you! You can't be fucking serious! _HOW_ can you be serious!"

"Don-"

"_Don't_ tell me what I can't say," I warned, "just answer the damn questions. Is she really that much more important than me?"

"…you can come live with us, Doll," he offered.

"Fuck you."

And, I almost hung up. But I didn't have the heart to; after all, he was my father, and I hadn't talked to him in _months_. He sighed. "You'd love it there, Doll," he tried to convince me. "And if it helps, I love you."

"It doesn't help," I said snapped.

"She's not more important than you, Doll, okay? You're the only thing that's ever mattered to me. I don't want to fuck you up. If I come home, I'm just going to distract you from becoming a doctor."

I rolled my eyes. "You're making excuses, now," I said, letting him knew that I wasn't a naïve kid anymore, and that I knew when he was just trying to save his skin. "Don't you think I'm already fucked up? Think about it. And it's okay with me that you're not coming home. Don't worry, I'm used to it."

I was now done with this conversation and I quickly, quickly, quickly, "bye I love you." because if something happened, and that wasn't the last thing I said to him, I'd never be able to live with myself. I threw the phone at the wall as hard as I could and watched it smash into three different pieces.

The voice in my head kept giving me lame ass excuses as to why my father wasn't coming home, all involving me being a pathetic failure. I smashed my mom's favorite vase, and basically destroyed the kitchen in my bipolar rage.

I sat on the floor, crying, staring at the mess I made for about fifteen or so minutes before I heard a knock at the door. I sat on the floor for a few more minutes before there was another knock, and I slowly got up and hesitantly made my way to the door, opening it, revealing James and Kendall.

They stared at me. "Is everything okay?" James asked. "The neighbors just called and said something weird was going on down here."

"Why would they call you?" I asked, snappily, "it's your uncle's place."

James remained calm, despite my attitude. "My uncle's out of town," he said, "I'm kind of the only one around capable of taking care of the tenants. …are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Kendall had been watching me, and proceeded to step past me into the living room, around the corner and he'd found his way in the kitchen.

He then reappeared and looked at me. "What'd you do, Logan?"

I shook my head. "…I don't even know."

James let himself in, now, to see the damage I had created. I didn't mess up anything that didn't belong to me. Or my mom. …or my dad. Kendall seemed very concerned about me, but I couldn't quite see it at the time. "…were you crying?" he asked, his voice soft, as if embarrassed by the question.

I swallowed hard. "Can you leave?" I asked.

Kendall watched me and bit his lip. Like I said, he'd been keeping his distance, giving me time, and I wasn't ready, but he couldn't let up. He hesitantly shook his head. "No," he said, his voice still so soft. I had never seen Kendall so soft and compassionate. "What happened?"

"It's nothing," I said shortly, heading into the kitchen, and starting to clean up glass from the broken vase.

Kendall and James followed me. "It's _something_," said Kendall. "People don't just break all the furniture in their house for _no_ reason!"

I blinked. "I didn't realize all the furniture in my house was the kitchen table and some chairs," I said. "But thanks for that observation."

"Hey, hey. Nobody asked for your sarcasm," said Kendall, in a sarcastic tone, making me want to smile. "Just tell us what happened. Maybe we can help."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it can't be controlled."

"How will I ever know if you don't tell me?"

"I just know."

"You just… …'_know_?'"

I knew he had beaten my logic; I knew Kendall couldn't change my father. I had tried for seven years to change him, especially when it came to mom, and it was useless. His head so thick and he was about as stubborn as me.

I sighed. "It's my dad."

"Did he die?" James asked. He sounded like a curious two year old rather than a jerk, and I didn't take it offensively.

"No," I said, "but close. He's never coming home. He'd rather live in Singapore with some whore than come home. It just pissed me off because he's _never_ around. You'd think I'd be used to it by now."

"…no," said Kendall. "That's your dad. No matter what he's done to you, he's still your dad. You'll still sit on the porch, or look out the window, waiting for him to come home, even though you _know_ he's not coming back. But, hopefully _you_ won't beat up your friends, like I did."

My eyes shifted. This seemed like it wasn't reality; because how could Kendall possibly be in my house, and how could we possibly be getting along? I was too stubborn for this. Yet, what he said kind of made sense, and it helped me think differently and avoid the voice in my head.

"Your dad left you, too?" I asked, curiously.

Kendall sighed. "He was forced to," he said. "But it was kind of necessary. He was a danger…but when he wasn't he was still my dad."

My eyes made their way to James, feeling like he was left out, and waited for him to say something about his father. When he finally got the hint, he said, "My dad didn't leave, but he's a drunk addicted to meth. Hot chocolate, anyone?"

I smiled. "We don't have any hot chocolate."

"No hot chocolate? What's wrong with you?"

"I don't like hot chocolate. Is that a crime?"

"Yes! Yes it is! _Who_ doesn't like hot chocolate? That's madness! It's chocolatey goodness delightfully liquidy -"

"James," Kendall said with a tone. "He doesn't like hot chocolate. Leave it alone. Let's just clean up this mess before Logan's mom comes home."

I laughed. "Oh, don't worry, we'll have all night."

"Why? Is your mom a whore?" James asked, again, not sounding rude, but like a curious two year old. …with a potty mouth.

I cocked my head to the side and I bit my lip.

"Well?" he urged.

"She just like to party a little," I said, not wanting to lie, but being defensive about my mother.

Kendall glared at James and said, "Help me over turn this table, you idiot," he instructed, and James grinned and obeyed, and the two of them helped me clean the kitchen, nice and pretty, and Kendall even tried to fix the vase; he couldn't, so instead he sent James to the store to buy one.

"Are you sure your mom's not coming home?" James had asked.

"I shrugged. She does what she wants. She might stay at the club till four in the morning. She might sleep at someone's apartment. She might come home."

Kendall and I had finished the kitchen as James bought a vase; the closest looking one to the one she'd had. We tried to save the flowers, but they were too heavy to go in any cup we owned. I created this stand-type thing so they could sit in the plugged sink till James returned. Kendall called me clever. I couldn't help but blush at the compliment.

When James returned with the new vase, he had Carlos with him. "Look who I found at the store," he said. I forced a smile and welcomed Carlos into my home. Kendall and James were here, Carlos might as well join, too, right? The new vase was red; the old one was black. I found black paint, and we attempted to paint it black, but we ended up painting _each_ _other_. We didn't want to make a mess after we'd just cleaned, but with paint involved, I mean, come on now, a mess was inevitable.

The good part was, we had enough paint on our hands to rub it on the vase. It was now striped and polka-dotted and smudge black on top of red. We shrugged it off, and went to clean up, and when we came out of the bathroom, mom was in the kitchen, staring at the vase.

"Oh," she said, "I didn't know you had friends sleeping over!"

"…they're not sleepin-?"

"It's three a.m., they're certainly not leaving," said mom firmly.

Kendall was smirking.

"I have to ask, _what_ happened to my grandmother's vase?"

My eyes shifted. "I broke it."

"How?"

"I picked it up, and hucked it across the room. It scratched the fridge, even."

"…_why_?"

"I got mad," I said duh-ly. "We got you a new one. Sure, it's not the _same_, but it's still got a story behind it. Now, when the guy you bring home asks why you have such an ugly vase, you can tell him that your idiot kids broke your grandma's vase and that's what they left you in surprise."

"Are you drunk?" she asked.

"Are _you_?"

"Only a _little_," she said.

"I'm not drunk," I said. "But I'm hungry. Are you guys hungry? Mom, make us some beef."

"I'll make cheeseburgers?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You will."

So, mom started to make cheeseburgers and Kendall stared at me and I stared back, and Carlos and James's heads shifted from me to Kendall, and I saw from the corner of my eye as they did so. Kendall looked at my mom, and looked at me, and looked at my mom and back at me.

He pulled me aside and quickly said with a grin, "got any alcohol in this place?"

"Why?"

"Get your mom drunk."

"You're not having sex with my mom," I said definitely.

He laughed. "I'm gay, remember? You should be more worried about yourself. I'm just saying, get her more drunk. That's the best time to get the truth out of your parents. She knows everything about your dad, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. And stuff that she hasn't even told me."

"Get it out of her. I'm pretty curious, too."

I wondered what business it was of his to know her response, or to know the questions I want answered, but I had had too much fun that night to want it to end. I had suddenly forgot about everything that had happened that day, and just hung out with the guys like I actually had friends. It was a nice change. And I wasn't ready to give that up.

So, I got the rum and filled a glass nearly halfway, filling coke the rest of the way. "Here, mom," I said, and then poured shot-sized amounts of rum in four glasses, and filling the rest with coke. Hey, we could live a little. Mom sipped the coke and chugged half of it.

Then she looked at me and said, "It tastes funny."

"It's old coke," I explained, "so it's a little bitter. You have to finish off the bottle before we can get new ones. Your rule, remember?"

She nodded. "Okay, fill her up."

I put more rum in the glass.

And I got mom quite drunk; and I finished making the cheeseburgers because she was quite incompetent. I distributed cheeseburgers like it was my job, and we, as in my mother, myself, and my three frenemies, sat around the table at four a.m., with rum and cheeseburgers, asking my mother ridiculous questions involving cheese, feet, build-a-bears, Tinkerbell, the color orange, pi, - as in 3.14159 not _pie_ - sunglasses, turtlenecks, and The Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Then, I said, "Mom?"

"Baby Doll."

"Why didn't you tell me dad had a girlfriend?"

Her eyes shifted awkwardly. "…you know how?"

"He called."

"I don't leave."

"What?"

"Don't leave me, Doll, don't leave like your dad did! Don't go to Singapore, _please, please, please_…"

And she was crying, and I felt bad, but it was at least good to know that she was afraid of losing me. The voice in my head, of course, didn't help by saying she only wanted me to stay to send me to the store and to run her errands like a slave monkey, but I tried to ignore it.

"I'm not going to Singapore," I said, "I'm not going anywhere. Now, shut the fuck up and go to bed."

She kissed my head before disappearing into her room, and I started to pick up the cheeseburger plates and Carlos was literally nodding off, his head drooping, then popping back up, drooping, and popping back up. Kendall helped me clean, and I went to find them all blankets and pillows ,and a _place_ to actually sleep.

James took the couch after picking Carlos up and removing him from it. I slipped a pillow under his head and tossed a blanket on him. Kendall was supposed to sleep in the chair, and he kept telling me to 'not worry about it.'

I went in my bed, and Kendall crept in a few minutes later.

"I can't sleep with James's snoring," he said, "I never could."

"What do you want _me_ to do about it?" I asked.

"Let me sleep in here."

"You're nutso."

"And you're boring, lame, and pathetic. Just let me sleep with you."

"You're fat and ugly."

"You're…short. And… ridiculously …smart. Come on, Logan, _please_."

I scooted over to give him room and said, "You're annoying."

"You're a jerk face."

"_That's _an insult?"

"It's a better insult than short and ridiculously smart."

"Toosh."

"It's touché, Einstein."

So, Kendall and I spooned that night, mindlessly insulting each other, the spoon-action being the only affection all night. When I woke up, however, I was the only occupant in the bed.

* * *

Note: This story goes much faster than the other two. I hope you don't mind. thanks for reading(:


	4. 2 Kendall

Thoughts: I know, I know, I said Doll wasn't my priority, and I JUST updated this. But it's so much easier to write Kendall's point DIRECTLY after writing Logan's because I know what he's thinking.

* * *

I knew what he was up to. I was kind of stalking. But I couldn't help it. The more Doll wanted me to stay away, the more I wanted to get closer to him. I fucking missed the shit out of that kid, and he didn't even care, and all I wanted to do was get him to fucking see how much I wanted to be with him. _All_ the fucking time. He never even left my mind, and it scared me because I'd never even thought of _anyone_ else.

Doll was at the market, run by that old geezer Mr. Langston, and he was getting milk, and I saw him coming out of the store and I couldn't help but smile as he noticeably _sucked_ on what appeared to be kit kat bars.

I followed him for about three minutes before he turned around and noticed me, and I just smiled at him, not sure what to do.

"Are you stalking?" he asked, noticeable attitude in his voice.

I just laughed at him and explained myself, "Naw, I've only been following you for five minutes."

"You're stalking," I he repeated.

"I'm not," I said with a quick shrug.

"Then what the hell do you want?" he snapped. I'd never really heard him this snappy and full of attitude, and I wasn't exactly liking it, but I didn't want to make myself look like an ass, or do anything to piss him off worse. I _wanted_ him to realize I was on his side.

I shrugged, not knowing what to say. I didn't necessarily want to just blurt out what I wanted from him. Especially on the public sidewalks, even if we were alone.

"Well, if you don't mind leaving me the fuck alone, that'd be fantastic."

"Oh, come on, Doll, you can't avoid me forever. You can't hate me forever for the past."

"Um, yeah, I can, and yeah, I will."

"You love me," I said, fully believing it. "You loved all those things I did to you because I made you the person you are. You can't deny loving every minute of the attention the guys and I gave you."

His eyes rolled. "How many times do I have to remind you that you tried to kill me?"

"I only came close, like, three times. And I knew how to save you." I did save him. I was like fucking Batman, alright? Sure, I was like the Joker first, but eventually, I was Batman.

"I almost froze to death. My feet were black for three weeks and I couldn't even walk."

"You're walking now just fine," I noticed.

"Kendall, can't you just leave me alone? I don't want to think about the past, okay?"

"So let it the fuck go. You can't change what happened."

"No, but I'm not going back to it."

"I'm not saying you are. I'm saying let it go. Forget about it. Don't fucking dwell on it and ignore me. You obviously grew a pair since then, so why don't you fucking suck it up and stop ignoring me all the damn time?"

I just wanted Doll to grow up a little. I mean, I knew I had, and I wasn't nearly as bad as I had been, but he was acting like a stubborn brat. I didn't like it. I wished he was more like me and could just let things go, forgive and forget.

"It's been two weeks since I talked to you. I've been gone for years. You've clearly been doing just fine without me, so, continue on as if I'm not here."

I smirked because he looked like he actually believed what he'd said. "I can't do that," I said, honestly, knowing that I wasn't going to let myself lose him again. "Do you know what I been thinking about since you left?"

"How many guesses do I get?"

"None," I said firmly. I wasn't playing games, and I wanted him to know that. "Doll, if you want to move on from the past, then move on. The only way to do that is by letting the past go."

"Um, yeah, so I let my guard down, forgive you for a second and when my back is turned, bam! There's a knife in it? No thanks, Kendall. This doesn't sit well with me. We can't be friends, we can't be acquaintances, we can't be classmates. You do you, I'll do me, and we'll stay the fuck out of each other's ways till we graduate, and I leave, and you'll never have to see me ever again."

My heart started to hurt a little when he said it. I hesitated, not knowing what to say. "…but I _want_ to see you."

"Too bad, so sad."

"Come on, Logan, don't fucking be a pussy ass bitch," my voice rose a little. I didn't know what to say to make his head thin out, for him to at _least _look at my picture, at how I was viewing this. I was nervous. I was kind of scared.

"I'm not the one begging for forgiveness here."

"What can I do to prove to you that I've changed?"

"_Why_ the fuck do you _want_ to! Huh! It doesn't matter to me, don't you get that! You can change a thousand times, Kendall Knight, and nothing would even matter because I can't fucking forgive you for everything you've done to me."

I was definitely at a loss of words for that one. All I wanted was that forgiveness, for the past…_ever_ I just wanted him to forgive me and to be on my side, or at least let me on his side. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say, and as he turned to walk away, I panicked, saying, "You're the only person I've ever known that's left Jackson. You keep coming back for a reason, Doll."

"I'm forced," he said tonelessly. "That's the only fucking reason."

I couldn't just believe this when it was the complete opposite of everything I had been believing in. "I don't think it is," I said finally.

"What do you think the reason is, then?"

"You're still standing here, talking to me."

He laughed heartlessly. "One day, Kendall, you'll realize that my life doesn't revolve around you. The _world_ doesn't revolve around you."

"Then why are you still here?"

"…I don't even know." He popped a kit kat into his mouth casually, and he looked annoyed. Then he said, quite loudly, "I don't know what else to say to get it through your big fat fucking head to realize that _I_ _will_ _not_ _forgive_ _you_!"

Again, I just didn't allow myself to believe this. "You will, though," I encouraged.

"Give me three reasons, Kendall! Okay? Three fucking reasons why I should ever even consider forgiving you."

I shifted my eyes. "One should be enough: because I fucking love you."

He fell silent in the momentary pause, and he shook his head, and shrugged a shoulder. "You don't."

I nodded, "Yeah, I do."

"No. You. Don't."

"I do. Logan, I love you."

He dropped the contents in his hands and before I knew it, he was shoving me into a the brick wall. "You fucking don't!" He screamed rather loudly right in my face. "Okay? _Leave_ me the fuck alone! Seriously, I hate you! I FUCKING HATE YOU, KENDALL KNIGHT!"

He let me go and stared at me, as if patiently waiting for me to swing at him. I didn't want to fight him, I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted this to be over. I just wanted to fast forward to the happy ending. He glared at me. I couldn't hate him, but I could deny everything he said. "…you don't hate me."

He growled loudly, and it made my heart shake in my chest. "Yeah. I really do."

Then, he started hitting me, punching me. I felt my teeth slam into my lip and slice it open. He punched my nose, and I swung back trying to get him off me. I got him good once and I felt bad; I tried to be as easy as I could…he was, after all, the baby doll, I'd always thought he was fragile. I wanted nothing but gentileness, but that was kind of hard when you had this tough little shit beating you up.

When he got me good in the stomach, I swung and hit him in the eye, and he collapsed to the ground, laid there for a moment, and scooted to the wall, resting his back against it. I sat down next to him trying to catch my breath. Why are you fighting with me, Doll?"

"Don't call me that," he said viciously. My heart sank to my chest. I'd always called him Doll, usually. That was his name, this motherfucker had _introduced_ himself to me as, "Hi, I'm Doll." I didn't like not calling him that, but his wish was my command.

"Okay, _Logan_, why are you fighting?"

"If your brain is too slow to process it, we've stopped fighting! _Why_ are you still here? Just go already."

"Come on, what if I gave you a concussion." his eye was pretty bad and I felt bad.

"I'm a-o-fucking-kay."

I sighed and stood up, gathering the things he'd dropped on the ground. "Come on, I'll walk you home."

"Fuck off, Kendall."

"You're living at James's uncle's place, right?" I knew where it was, and I started to walk.

He eventually followed me, keeping a short distance. I allowed him to.

"I really hate you," he kept saying, "I wish I never met you. You're awful. You're mean. you're rotten. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I wish you were dead. I can't believe you. You're so selfish. You're a fucking asshole."

He insulted me the whole way home. It really stung, but I felt like I'd deserved it, after all I had done to him. I didn't want this to bother me. I wanted him to say whatever it was that he had to say, and I was quite nervous that he wouldn't ever forgive me.

"You're a douche bag. Wait, by saying that, I've insulted a douche bag."

_I've never heard that one before._

"You're a cock-licking…"

_Yeah, I lick cock sometimes._

"…penis-loving…"

_I'm gay. Obviously I love penis. In my mouth. _

"malicious…"

_That's clever._

"…narcissistic…"

_What the fuck does that mean?_

"…idiotic…"

_That's a good one._

"… repulsive…"

_Sounds like my sister's hair when she first wakes up._

"…disgusting…"

_That's probably true on select occasions._

"… creature. You're vile, and pathetic, and cruel, and heartless."

_Vile and pathetic? Yeah. That could be true, guess. Heartless? Not always._

By the time we got to the apartment, I turned to him and said, "Okay. Are you finished now?"

I tried to keep commentary on everything he said in for comic effect. It worked for me, so, whatever.

"I could go on forever," he snapped, and the way his silloutte looked in the dark, the way his face contoured under the moon, I couldn't resist him. I couldn't take hearing any more of his insults, I'd run out of comments, and when he opened his mouth to proceed his insultations, I did the most logical thing and kissed him.

When he kissed me back, I knew I still had hope. He pulled away first.

"Have you forgiven me yet?" I asked.

His voice was less harsh than it had been all night. "It's not that easy, Kendall."

"Sure it is." I encouraged.

"You can't just waltz over here, walk me home, kiss me, and expect everything to be okay."

"But it _is_ okay!" I said, it being my turn to be a little frustrated. "Logan, since you've been back, I haven't _done_ anything wrong. Like I said, it's all in the past. And you're right, I'm begging you for forgiveness." He got down on his knees, placing the milk and eggs gently next to him. "I'm literally begging you. I'm not sorry for it, but I'm begging you to forgive me, and I'm promising I'm never going to put you in danger. Well, purposefully anyway. I'll do _anything_ to prove myself to you."

He shook his head. He was clearly reluctant to forgive me. "…I can't…I just…can't."

I didn't understand, and he couldn't make me.

But, at the same time, he didn't understand me, and I didn't know if he ever could.

I gave him space.

I didn't feel like I had a choice anymore, ya know? Like, he was all I wanted, I just wanted him to be happy. I knew the day I met him I wanted him in my life forever, but like I said, he was fragile. I wanted to toughen him up, and I wasn't sure if it was _me_ that did it exactly, but it happened. Doll was tougher than he'd ever been before and I didn't know if I liked it anymore.

I wondered how many times I could have apologized without him forgiving me. I wondered what the fuck would have happened if I never did any of those things, where we would all be. I wondered if he would like Jackson, Minnesota. I knew I was the reason he hated the fucking place. All I wanted to do was call him by that pet name, suck him in irresistibly. I wanted to at least _confuse_ him about me. I wanted to torture him every time I saw him, I wanted to get him as addicted to me as I was to him. I wanted him to want me more and more.

And if giving him space was what I had to do, then so be it. There would be a time where Batman was needed without the Joker intervening first. I just had to wait for that moment. I had to wait till he trusted me. I'd already told him everything I needed him to know, and now he needed time for it to sink in. I knew this in my heart; I had strong fucking intuition or something with basically everything and I had great common sense, and they both told me that there was no fucking way, not on this God given planet, that Logan and I were created to not be together. He kept bringing us back together, always like a boomerang, sending Doll right back to me.

I did my usual thing.

Carlos, James and I had been doing our best to stay the fuck of trouble. We were, apparently, quite lucky to have gotten through all the court dates without being sent to juvie or to a group home. We got into fights sometimes, yeah, but we never _technically_ start them. We didn't exactly _want_ enemies, but that didn't mean we weren't going to have any.

There were people that wanted to _kill me_ because I'd beat up their brother, or fucked their sister, (which, mind you, that's only ever happened once. Okay, twice. Fine, you caught me, quite a few times, but I was still experimenting) or I stole something from one of them, probably pot, and probably true, I'd kissed their boyfriend, I'd hunted down the people _they'd_ wanted to hunt down and now needed a new target, you know, stupid bullshit reasons that couldn't be backed up with logic. You can't argue with stupid, but you can try to fight back.

Mom stumbled in drunk one night; it was probably like, nine o'clock or so. I had personally dropped Katie off at my uncle's house, making sure she was secure to be taken care of for the next day or so. James was with me that night. Carlos was with a few other mutual friends, probably getting high or at a party, I didn't know.

Anyway, I knew James was gay before I knew I was gay. He told me straight out, trusting me with his secret. Nobody knew. James had two incompetent parents - his father, an abusive drunk, his mother, a stupid fucking whore.

Carlos had okay parents; they only went out on the weekends whereas the rest of our parent's only got drunk every day of the week. Carlos's mother was the absolute strictest bitch I'd ever met in my entire life. She despised James, myself, and all our friends and the idea of Carlos hanging out with us made her livid. His father, however, sucked up to Carlos for everything it was worth. He wanted to be friends with Carlos, not a father, and him being on the police force kept us out of quite a bit of trouble. Of course, _I'd_ rather get sent to fucking jail than sit and listen to Mrs. Garcia's shrill voice and looking at her snooty look.

I was talking to my gay friend James about Logan and about the fight and about how he'd told me not to call him Doll, and how I kissed him, and he kissed me back.

"Are you sure?" James asked, "what if you were just fucking imagining it or some shit like that? Then you get your fucking hopes up for nothin', like _that_ hasn't ever happened before."

"Shut the fuck up," I warned, knowing _exactly_ was he was talking about. "I wasn't imagining anything."

"How long ago was this?"

"A bit ago…"

"A 'bit' ago? How many days?"

"…I'm fucking dyslexic, asshole."

"So? You're not retarded, you can tell me how many days it was."

I shook my head, knowing that it'd been a few weeks since this incident, but I just hadn't said anything till now. Doll was fucking eating up at my mind, and he didn't even know it, and I had to tell James. I had planned on not bringing him into this at all, but I just couldn't help it. I hadn't seen him in a fucking long ass time and I missed him.

James sighed. "Okay, well, I don't really know what to think, considering he basically told you to stay the fuck out of his life forever."

I rolled my eyes. "You're a big help."

He shrugged. "I'm sorry, Kendall, okay? Ya know, it's not like I don't have any problems of my own or anything."

I was just about to ask him what was up, when his phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and looked at the caller id. "Another fucking burden on my list. Uncle Jim's fucking second floor tenants. Big pains in my ass, is what they are," he said, then answered the phone with a calm, "hello?"

He listened for a few minutes. "…what kinds of sounds?"

He listened again. "…are you sure?" He listened and sighed. "Okay. I'm coming over." He hung up and looked at me. "They're hearing smashing and screaming from Doll's apartment," he informed. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but they said it sounded pretty bad. Like there's a fight or something. Come on, lets' go."

He didn't have to tell me twice. I jumped up and followed him out of my house and we started towards Doll's, about a twenty minute or so walk from my house, and James and I were walking pretty fast.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?"

"Are you scared that like, Wayne or Jett or someone saw you with Logan and is at his house, beating him up right now?"

I shook my head. I never would have even thought of that. The thought scared me, but I was sure that we hadn't been seen that night; and if even if we _were_ seen, something would have happened sooner. I just had an intuition that whatever was going on wasn't caused by an outside source. Someone who lived inside was causing the chaos.

We quickly approached the house, getting there in about fourteen or so minutes, went inside and knocked on the first floor apartment door. Doll opened the door to reveal himself. His cheeks were red, his eyes were puffy, an I instantly knew what he'd done. I guess it was that intuition. I knew by looking at him standing there in the doorway, that _he_ was the one who caused the smashing.

We both kind of just stared at him. "Is everything okay?" James asked finally. "The neighbors just called and said something weird was going on down here."

"Why would they call _you_?" Doll asked, "it's your _uncle's_ place."

James, knowing how I would react if he were mean to Doll, remained calm, despite the cutie's damned attitude. "My uncle's out of town," he said, "I'm kind of the only one around capable of taking care of the tenants. …are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

I was watching him, and I knew how he looked when he lied. Ashamed. I gently slipped passed him, seeing a clean living room. I knew the route of this house like the back of my hands. James's uncle had let us stay in there when it had been vacant. I went into the ktichen and saw the mess. The table was flipped, as were the chairs. Pictures fell off the wall, smashed dishes, and mugs, a broken vase, a knife in the wall. The place was atrocious. My heart sank into my chest, and I went back out into the living room, finding James still standing at the door.

I watched Logan, who was watching me. "What'd you do, Logan?"

He shook his head. "…I don't even know."

James let himself in, now, to see the damage, and I was scared by Logan's answer. I was concerned that he was…well, how did he honestly _not _know what he'd done? He could have been a danger to himself…the thought worried me immensely. I couldn't get passed those puffy eyes. "…were you crying?" I asked him softly and compassionately.

He paused. "Can you leave?"

I'd watched him and bit my lip. I didn't _want_ to say no, knowing he needed his space, but I still hesitantly shook my head. "No," I said, keeping that same soft and compassionate tone. "What happened?"

"It's nothing," said Doll shortly, clearly wanting to be done with this conversation as he zoomed past me and into the kitchen. I followed and watched as he picked up a piece of the vase.

James and I followed him. "It's _something_," I said, "People don't just break all the furniture in their house for _no_ reason!"

He blinked and looked at me like I was retarded or something. "I didn't realize all the furniture in my house was the kitchen table and some chairs," he said sarcastically. "But thanks for that observation."

"Hey, hey. Nobody asked for your sarcasm," I said sarcastically, then adding, "Just tell us what happened. Maybe we can help."

"You can't," he said simply.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because it can't be controlled."

"How will I ever know if you don't tell me?" I asked.

"I just know," he said.

"You just… …'_know_?'" I said in my best Professor Snape voice.

He finally sighed. "It's my dad."

My heart sank. All I knew about Logan's dad was that he traveled a lot, and was in the navy. All I knew about my dad was that he was never coming home.

"Did he die?" James asked. James was always nosy and curious about everything. He was usually the first one to know when something happened in Jackson.

"No," he said, "but close. He's never coming home. He'd rather live in Singapore with some whore than come home. It just pissed me off because he's _never_ around. You'd think I'd be used to it by now."

"…no," I said, feeling like I didn't have a choice. I was going to spill a big secret of mine to Logan, hoping that me opening up would help him see that I was actually a good guy, who trouble just seemed to follow. "That's your dad. No matter what he's done to you, he's still your dad. You'll still sit on the porch, or look out the window, waiting for him to come home, even though you _know_ he's not coming back. But, hopefully _you_ won't beat up your friends, like I did."

"Your dad left you, too?" he asked, noticeably trembling.

I sighed, just wanting to hug him and take him into my arms, make him feel safe, like that it didn't even matter that his dad wasn't coming home. "He was forced to," I said. "But it was kind of necessary. He was a danger…but when he wasn't he was still my dad."

Logan looked at James, who I knew would change the conversation completely if brought into it. Still, Doll just watched him. Finally, James got the hint and said, "My dad didn't leave, but he's a drunk addicted to meth. Hot chocolate, anyone?"

Logan faintly smiled. "We don't have any hot chocolate."

"No hot chocolate? What's wrong with you?"

"I don't like hot chocolate. Is that a crime?"

"Yes! Yes it is! _Who_ doesn't like hot chocolate? That's madness! It's chocolatey goodness delightfully liquidy -"

I wanted to shut James up. He wasn't to argue with Logan; he'd pissed me off. "James," I said firmly. "He doesn't like hot chocolate. Leave it alone. Let's just clean up this mess before Logan's mom comes home."

Doll laughed. "Oh, don't worry, we'll have all night."

"Why? Is your mom a whore?" James asked. I was used to these usual, blunt questions of James's, but I wasn't too sure Logan was. He cocked his head and bit his lip, as if saying, 'did you _really_ just fucking ask that?'

"Well?" James urged. I didn't say anything, because I was a little curious too.

"She just like to party a little," he offered, looking around at us.

"Don't feel bad, my mom's a whore, too."

I sighed and glared at James, finally saying "Help me over turn this table, you idiot," I instructed, and James grinned and obeyed, and we proceeded to help Logan clean the kitchen. He explained the vase situation and I tried to glue it together, but there was too many pieces and it just wasn't going to work.

"Are you sure your mom's not coming home?" James had asked.

"I shrugged. She does what she wants. She might stay at the club till four in the morning. She might sleep at someone's apartment. She might come home."

Logan and I had finished the kitchen as James bought a vase; I felt bad as I watched Logan; he just seemed like his whole life was quite fucking pathetic, and I just wanted to make it better.

When James returned with the new vase, he had Carlos with him. "Look who I found at the store," he said. I watched as Logan let Carlos in, and I smiled at him. It was quite sweet, the way he just welcomed the new comer. However, James, the idiot, got a red vase when the original was black. Logan found paint, and we attempted to paint it, but it didn't exactly go in our favor. It ended up with fingerprints and stripes of black. Logan shrugged it off, figuring he really didn't give a fuck about the vase.

Logan lead the way to the bathroom and we all got cleaned up. We made a semi-mess in the bathroom, but, don't worry, we worked around it. When we went back into the kitchen, Logan's mom was staring at the vase. I felt awkward.

"Oh," she said, "I didn't know you had friends sleeping over!"

Logan _looked_ awkward. "…they're not sleepin-?"

"It's three a.m., they're certainly not leaving," said the woman, stumbling over her words a bit.

I couldn't help but smirk.

"I have to ask, _what_ happened to my grandmother's vase?"

Logan's eyes shifted as he simply said, "I broke it."

"How?" she questioned.

"I picked it up, and hucked it across the room. It scratched the fridge, even."

"…_why_?"

"I got mad," said Doll duh-ly. "We got you a new one. Sure, it's not the _same_, but it's still got a story behind it. Now, when the guy you bring home asks why you have such an ugly vase, you can tell him that your idiot kids broke your grandma's vase and that's what they left you in surprise."

"Are you drunk?" she asked.

"Are _you_?"

"Only a _little_," she said.

"I'm not drunk," Doll said. "But I'm hungry. Are you guys hungry? Mom, make us some beef."

"I'll make cheeseburgers?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You will," he said firmly.

So, his mom started to make cheeseburgers and I couldn't help but stare at Logan, and he stared me back. Then it struck me, that whenever I wanted my mom to answer questions, especially about my dad, her being drunk was the easiest way to get the answers out of her.

I pulled me aside and quickly said with a grin, "got any alcohol in this place?"

He looked concerned yet curious. "Why?"

"Get your mom drunk."

"You're not having sex with my mom," he said frustrated.

I laughed. "I'm gay, remember? You should be more worried about yourself. I'm just saying, get her more drunk. That's the best time to get the truth out of your parents. She knows everything about your dad, right?"

He nodded, agreeing, as if I had given him an epiphany thing. "Yeah. And stuff that she hasn't even told me."

"Get it out of her. I'm pretty curious, too."

So, I watched him get the rum and fill a glass nearly halfway, filling coke the rest of the way. "Here, mom," he said, and then poured shot-sized amounts of rum in four glasses, and filling the rest with coke and distributed the rest of that to the rest of us.

Then she looked at her son and said, "It tastes funny."

"It's old coke," Doll bullshitted a story. "So it's a little bitter. You have to finish off the bottle before we can get new ones. Your rule, remember?"

She nodded. "Okay, fill her up."

He poured more rum into the glass.

Logan's mom was quite drunk and he finished making the cheeseburgers, fearfully mumbling something about the house burning down. He distributed cheeseburgers like it was his job, and we sat around the table at four a.m., with rum and cheeseburgers, Logan's mom a set of questions involving cheese, feet, build-a-bears, Tinkerbell, the color orange, turtlenecks, The Avatar: The Last Airbender, lollipop sticks, the flavors of jelly beans, and shoe sizes.

Then, Logan said, "Mom?"

"Baby Doll."

"Why didn't you tell me dad had a girlfriend?"

Her eyes shifted awkwardly. "…you know how?"

"He called."

"I don't leave."

"What?"

"Don't leave me, Doll, don't leave like your dad did! Don't go to Singapore, _please, please, please_…"

She was crying now. It was kind of awkward, yet it was still entertaining.

"I'm not going to Singapore," he said firmly, "I'm not going anywhere. Now, shut the fuck up and go to bed."

She kissed Doll's head before disappearing into her room, and I started to pick up the cheeseburger plates and I watched Carlos literally nod off, and James laughed and told him to go to the couch, and I helped Logan clean and James followed Logan as we did so.

Then Doll panicked about places to sleep and I rolled my eyes at him, not being able to help it.

James picked Carlos up and put him on the floor, taking a place on the couch. I told Doll not to worry about me, even as he told me to sleep in the chair. I already knew exactly where I was going to sleep.

Logan went to his room, in his bed, and I waited a few minutes before I followed him and tried to claim my place on his bed.

"I can't sleep with James's snoring," I whined, "I never could."

"What do you want _me_ to do about it?" he asked.

"Let me sleep in here."

"You're nutso."

"And you're boring, lame, and pathetic. Just let me sleep with you."

"You're fat and ugly."

"You're…short. And… ridiculously …smart. Come on, Logan, _please_."

He sighed, scooting over, saying "You're annoying."

"You're a jerk face."

"_That_'s an insult?"

"It's a better insult than short and ridiculously smart."

"Toosh," I said with a quick nod as Logan deposited some of his blanket on top of me.

"It's touché, Einstein," he corrected me.

I didn't want to cause him any trouble, so I kept myself clean, and almost kept my hands off of him all night, but I was impossible to not spoon with him. We fit perfectly, and I _had_ to know that we did. We did. It was spectacular. Is that what it is? Or is it splectactular? Nah, I was right the first time, spectacular. I think. Let's just go with splendid. Anyway, I didn't want to be there when he woke up. I wanted to give him that space he craved, and I also wanted to leave a little mystery behind it. I wanted him to wonder where I was.

I was positive I'd accomplished that as I made my way to the market to get some hot coffee. I didn't really _like_ hot coffee, but it was fucking deathly cold, and iced coffee would not mix well with the freezing weather. I made the coffee super sweet and Mr. Langston told me not to worry about paying; he did that _every_ morning. He had known me since before I was born, knew my parents since before they were born, and he never _really_ charged the locals for coffee. It was _just_ coffee to him. Cigarettes and milk brought him his most profit. That's what you get for living in Jackson, Minnesota.

I had left Carlos and James sleeping in Logan's living room, so I decided to go back to fetch them. I finished my coffee before getting back to Logan's and I dropped the cup in the overflowing trash near the bus stop's bench on the way.

I knocked on the door before letting myself in. Logan's head poked from around the kitchen. He smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Where'd you go?" he asked.

I shrugged it off. "Don't worry about it. I'm back, right? You miss me?"

He chuckled. "In your dreams, maybe."

"Yeah," I agreed, "definitely in my dreams. How about reality?"

He shook his head. "You're not so lucky."

"What'd you dream about?" I asked finally, not knowing what else to say.

He shrugged casually. "Don't worry about it."

I laughed now. "Smart-ass."

"I've been told."

"I'm not surprised."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't be so defensive," I said, "I was as sarcastic as you."

He rolled his eyes. "What are you, Captain Obvious?"

"Only if you're Lieutenant Sarcasm."

"You're not funny, you know."

"I beg to differ."

He shook his head, clearly at loss for words. "Seriously, where'd you go? You just left your friends sleeping in the living room."

"…they're your friends, too."

He bit his lip before shaking his head. "I _don't_ have friends," he said firmly. "I don't do well with other people. I'm kind of an asshole."

I shook my head, now. "I don't believe you. You're quite friendly."

"And where did this proper English come from?"

He smirked. "You don't want to start a sentence with the word 'and', Logie. That's not right grammar."

"…it'd be 'proper' grammar."

"Don't be an asshole. Let me have my one moment."

He paused, taking a deep breath, smiling again and saying, "Moment's over. …anyway…I'm sorry my mom wouldn't let you guys leave last night. She worries that if anyone leaves their house after midnight, they'll get mugged or jumped."

"Well, I'm not sorry that she wouldn't let us leave," I said honestly, and I avoided the second half of that, knowing that Logan's mother was worried about someone getting jumped because _I_ had jumped Logan after midnight.

He took in a deep breath. "Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask _why_ you're so like…drawn to me?"

My heart skipped a beat. "…yes. Yes you can." I said, wracking my brains for an articulate enough answer for him.

He smiled. "Kendall, why are you so drawn to me?" he repeated.

I bit my lip and said, "Well…I don't really know what it is. That hair, possibly. Those big sparkly eyes. That winning smile. The compulsive, bipolar, rude personality. The vulnerability, the facial expressions. The ambition, the motivation, the _sweet, sweet_, caring heart. The fact that you're on my level. The fact that you run away when you should, and stay when you shouldn't. You grew balls and you stick up for what you feel is right. You know what you want, you know where you're heading, and you're confused about how you feel about me. That last part drives me mad, but it's the part that keeps me most wanting to suck you in. I don't _know_ what it is, but all of those are major contributions. I'm telling you now, though, I know you don't believe me, and I know you don't understand why, but I'm pretty sure I love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to get you to realize that. I'll do whatever I can to make you want me like I want you. I don't _know_ what it'll take, but I'll do it. I'll apologize a million times, I'll literally kiss your ass, if you want. I'll eat a spider. I'll swim in a pool full of sharks. I'll die for you, Logan, and if that's not love then I don't know what is."

He stayed quiet, as if sucking in all that information. It was a lot to handle, and he was doing it better than I thought he would. I didn't think he'd go this fast, and I didn't have any expectations at this point. I was just taking things in as they went right the fuck along, and I was just doing what I had thought I had to to win his heart over.

He viciously chewed on his bottom lip, clearly nervous. He swallowed hard. "I've told you I can't forgive you," he said, "and as of now, I'm still sticking to that. But I don't want you…"

He paused, and I thought I felt my heart die.

He looked up and his eyes met mine, "I don't want you not in my life. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I'm willing to _let it go_. It doesn't mean I forgive you. It means I'm letting my guard down, and I'm trusting you…not to break me. Kendall…I'm _trusting_ you. I'm letting go of my grudge because you're a _genuine_ person, and I…I don't know, but I guess I always had a crush on you."

I grinned the biggest grin I'd ever had grinned in my life at this, and I said, "Don't worry. I won't let you down."

"This is simply platonic, though," he said firmly.

"If I knew what that meant, I might care," I said.

He laughed. "It means we're _just friends_."

I nodded, knowing that this _just friends_ crap he was pulling _wasn't_ going to last long. Especially since he was staring at me as if he wanted me to kiss him again.

And let me tell you, I _did_ want to kiss him again.

* * *

Note: How am I doing with the personalities? I feel like when I write them, Kendall and Logan are too similar. What do you think? Thanks for reading! (:


	5. 3 Logan

Thought: .

* * *

**Logan.**

The first thing I did when I got up was make my bed. I was rather anal about my bed-making, especially like, wrinkles in the comforter or sheets. It was illogical, I couldn't have it. I went down the hall and into the living room, taking note of Kendall's two goons, two of my friends. I was in the kitchen and started to make coffee when I heard a quick knock, and I heard the door open quickly and close. I peaked my head around the corner to see Kendall standing there. I blocked back a smile.

"Where'd you go?" I asked curiously.

He shrugged it off. "Don't worry about it. I'm back, right? You miss me?"

I chuckled. Typical Kendall. "In your dreams, maybe."

"Yeah," he said, agreeing. "Definitely in my dreams. How about reality?"

I wanted to blush, but I kept my cool. I hadn't forgiven Kendall, but I had decided to let it go. I mean, what was the point of holding this grudge… I wasn't sure. There wasn't one, really. But I couldn't forgive him. But I was quite confused myself by his actions. How he treated me way back when, and how he treated me now, like he was my friend and he needed to protect me from people like himself.

"You're not so lucky." I told him, honestly.

"What'd you dream about?" He said after a short pause.

I shrugged. "Don't worry about it," I said in the same manner he had.

He laughed. "Smart-ass."

"I've been told," I replied.

"I'm not surprised."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't be so defensive. I was as sarcastic as you."

I rolled my eyes. "What are you, Captain Obvious?"

"Only if you're Lieutenant Sarcasm."

I noticed he didn't say '_my_ Lieutenant Sarcasm.'

"You're not funny, you know," I said with a slight chuckle.

"I beg to differ."

I shook my head and curiously went back to my original question. "Seriously, where'd you go? You just left your friends sleeping in the living room."

"…they're your friends, too."

I bit my lip, knowing it was true, but hearing it out loud was weird. I was friends with them; and it was weird. "I _don't_ have friends," I said instead, in a slight panic. "I don't do well with other people. I'm kind of an asshole."

He shook his head. "I don't believe you. You're quite friendly."

"And where did this proper English come from?" I questioned seriously, raising an eyebrow.

He smirked. "You don't want to start a sentence with the word 'and', Logie. That's not right grammar."

Well, well, who was the smart ass now? Said the voice in my head. "…it'd be 'proper' grammar," I said outloud. Oh yes, said the voice, still you, still you.

"Don't be an asshole. Let me have my one moment."

I wanted to say let me have mine, but I didn't. Instead, I took a deep breath and said, "Moment's over. …anyway…I'm sorry my mom wouldn't let you guys leave last night. She worries that if anyone leaves their house after midnight, they'll get mugged or jumped."

"Well, I'm not sorry that she wouldn't let us leave."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask _why_ you're so like…drawn to me?"

"Yes. Yes, you can."

I smiled at his humor. "Kendall, why are you so drawn to me?" I repeated.

He bit his lip and said, "Well…I don't really know what it is. That hair, possibly. Those big sparkly eyes. That winning smile. The compulsive, bipolar, rude personality. The vulnerability, the facial expressions. The ambition, the motivation, the _sweet, sweet_, caring heart. The fact that you're on my level. The fact that you run away when you should, and stay when you shouldn't. You grew balls and you stick up for what you feel is right. You know what you want, you know where you're heading, and you're confused about how you feel about me. That last part drives me mad, but it's the part that keeps me most wanting to suck you in. I don't _know_ what it is, but all of those are major contributions. I'm telling you now, though, I know you don't believe me, and I know you don't understand why, but I'm pretty sure I love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to get you to realize that. I'll do whatever I can to make you want me like I want you. I don't _know_ what it'll take, but I'll do it. I'll apologize a million times, I'll literally kiss your ass, if you want. I'll eat a spider. I'll swim in a pool full of sharks. I'll die for you, Logan, and if that's not love then I don't know what is."

I stayed quiet for a moment, taking that all in. that was a lot of information. Kendall had told me before that he only needed one reason why he wanted to be near me and it was because he fucking loved me. The voices in my head argued loudly and I overpowered them with honesty.

"I don't want you not in my life. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I'm willing to _let it go_. It doesn't mean I forgive you. It means I'm letting my guard down, and I'm trusting you…not to break me. Kendall…I'm _trusting_ you. I'm letting go of my grudge because you're a _genuine_ person, and I…I don't know, but I guess I always had a crush on you."

I'd never seen him grin as widely as he did then. "Don't worry. I won't let you down."

"This is simply platonic, though," I said firmly, not knowing how I could handle being in a relationship with Kendall. I just wanted to go one step at a time.

"If I knew what that meant, I might care," he said.

I laughed. "It means we're _just friends_."

He nodded, still having that sloppy grin on his face, and I couldn't help but be a little excited to have gotten the nerve to get back on good terms. It takes a lot to forgive and I was proud of myself for once.

It took me a little bit getting used to, Kendall and Carlos and James. I couldn't appreciate having friends suddenly, because it was a lot to grasp. Relationships with people are tough, and it's hard to maintain multiple relationships with people without saying something one of them doesn't like. It's hard to please others. It's hard to please yourself.

James, Carlos and Kendall, however, were quite fun to be around. Despite minor personality conflicts and differences, it was easy to have some disputes among each other, but the three of us generally got along. The weeks went by and Christmas came, and Kendall, being a hopeless romantic, and obviously he had a crush on me. He didn't hide it.

I didn't know if I liked his openness with it. I knew he liked me from the beginning. The beginning as in the day I forgave Kendall. But he was flirty and protective from the beginning, way more so than James and Carlos. He was clingy, and argumentative and he imitated drama. At the same time, I enjoyed his company. I enjoyed his drama. The voices in my head discussed him all day long. They no longer talked about how badly I sucked at everything, rather they psychoanalyzed every bit of Kendall.

It was like they fed me back information on Kendall and it just absorbed into my brain. Like, for example, his hatred for pickles. I liked pickles, but Kendall hated them. He once took a bite of my burger with pickles and he literally almost threw up. Or, how he was very obsessive about his shoes and closet. Nobody could touch his shoes and they had to be perfectly aligned by the date he got the pair. His closet was color coordinated.

We had that in common; my closet was color coordinated. I wasn't too anal about the neatness of my room, but it was generally kept clean and tidy. I had two pairs of shoes; my sneakers and my dress shoes. The dress shoes stayed in the closet, and the sneakers stayed by the door.

I was very uptight about homework and perfection, and Kendall was lenient on both of those subjects. He hated homework and rarely did it, and he knew he could never be perfect, so he didn't bother. Shit happens, it is what it is.

James and Carlos obviously had something going on. They never said anything, and clearly tried to act like they weren't anything. They liked to play video games with each other, and they liked to be competitive with one another, and they liked to wrestle and they were very comfortable with touching each other.

Because Carlo's parents were strict, and James's dad was a nutso, and Kendall's mom was a drunk, my place became the new hangout. I didn't mind, mom didn't mind. James and Kendall always let themselves in, but Carlos always knocked, or waited to be welcomed in. It probably had something to do with being raised by respectable people. Sometimes, you know, it _is_ actually possible for good people to raise a good kid. Even in Jackson. Carlos was definitely a good kid. However I can concur that Kendall and James were good kids too.

There was one day where James and Carlos were playing video games in the living room. Mom was at work. She worked at the coffee shop on the corner; about five minutes from the market. She didn't make much money, but she loved working there. Anyway, Kendall and I were in the kitchen talking. We did that a lot; talked alone.

"So, this morning, after I dropped Katie off at school, I realized I forgot her lunch and had to go all the way back home, then back to her school, and then to the high school. I was fifteen minutes late to animal science."

The conversation was quite a blur, as I focused on a flying cat that was hovering right above Kendall's head. I tried my best to pay attention to him, but I honestly have no idea what we were talking about, or what I said to him or what he said to me. There was a moment where he tried to lean against the fridge, and I saw him disappear below. When I noticed he was down, I looked at him and said, "Smoooth."

He jumped up and said more things, and I eventually found myself making him a grilled cheese sandwich, and he kept telling me not to burn it.

"Don't burn it, Logie, don't burn that grilled cheese."

"Don't be a back-seat chef, Kendall."

"There's no such thing, you fucking stupid, narcissistical fuck."

"Wait, what?"

"I said, 'is there such a thing?'"

"…oh. Well, yeah, there's such a thing. It's like a back-seat driver, you know, the person who tells you how to drive when you're doing just fine."

"Well, you could have fucking said that to begin with, you dumb fuck. I'm going to burn you alive right now."

"Excuse me?"

"…I said, 'I'm just messing with ya, Logie. I'd still eat it if you burned it.' Are you okay? You just…you seem off today."

I shook my head vigorously and rubbed it forcefully. "I'm sorry, I'm just…tired, I guess."

"Okay, well…you can tell me anything, you know."

I nodded subtly, and put the grilled cheese on a plate. To give him some variety, I put some Smartfood on his plate, too. He laughed. "Grilled cheese and popcorn, thanks, buddy."

"You're welcome."

Then, I listened as I heard Kendall's voice shouting, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." But, it was weird. Because I was watching Kendall, and his mouth was only moving because he was chewing.

I heard him shouting, but he wasn't even talking. What the _fuck_ was wrong with me?

James and Carlos left before dinner. They decided that they wanted McDonald's, but I didn't and I didn't want to go anywhere, so they left alone, and Kendall and I stayed behind. Mom came home from work around six.

"Hey Kendall, hey Doll," she greeted us as soon as she saw us. "What are you guys up to?"

I rolled my eyes at her, and Kendall replied, "We're about to make dinner. You hungry?"

Mom shook her head. "Oh, no sweetie, that's okay. I'm going to get ready. I have a date tonight."

I whipped my around to look at her. "Oh, you do, do you?"

She smiled. "Yes, I do."

"And _who_ exactly is this with?"

"His name is Michael. I met him at the club the other night. We're just going out to dinner, Doll it's no big deal."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Go fuck yourself."

I rubbed my head, knowing that wasn't what she said, only what I heard. I sighed. "Can you repeat that?"

She blinked blankly, as if confused by what I'd said. "I said I never see you, and every time I do, you give me attitude or lip, or roll your eyes at me. How am I supposed to tell you anything?"

"I don't know," I said, rubbing my eyes so hard I thought they were going to fall out of my head.

"Are you okay, Doll?"

"I'm fine."

"Something just seems-"

"Shhh," I said. "_Please_ let it go."

"Okay…well…I'll cancel my date in a heartbeat and stay home with you if you need me to, baby."

"Kendall is sleeping over," I said, "I don't need you."

She nodded softly. "Okay." She kissed my head and said, "I love you. You'll always be my Baby Doll, got it?"

I nodded, too.

She left the kitchen to get ready for her date. James and Carlos were kind of on a date. Mom was going on a date. Kendall and I were kind of on a date, too. Just a date at home. A night at home, spending it with Kendall.

We pretended to be chefs. We used spices and bread crumb, and fancy utensils that chefs use. I set the table with four forks and two spoons, like at a fancy restaurant where they give you a fork for each entrée and each piece of food.

After we ate, we cleaned up. I washed the dishes, and he dried them and put them away. "Want to go fucking die?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"Want to watch a movie?"

My heart fumbled as I said, "Only if we cuddle."

He laughed. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

He held his hand out. I studied it for a moment, and finally took it. He led me into the living room and he put me on the couch, and put a movie in. I wasn't sure what movie it was, nor did I care. Kendall sat on my right, and relaxed on the arm of the couch, and got in a position where I could lean into him comfortably.

Kendall and I were like spoon, as cliché as it sounds. We fit together perfectly. I was much smaller than he was, and I fit perfectly in contour with his body. His arm wrapped around me and he held onto me, and he kept looking at me. I knew because I was looking at him. Studying him. Those big green eyes, those pearly white teeth. His front left tooth had a crack running through it, but it wasn't noticeable unless you were looking for it. His hair was shiny and smooth looking. His right ear was slightly bigger than his left, and whenever he breathed in, my body sank with his.

I ended up falling asleep after Kendall started playing with my hair. It seemed like only minutes passed when he started to shake me gently. "Logie," he said, "I can carry you to the room, but you gotta shift so I can get up. Okay, buddy?"

"Mmmfrg."

"My feet are asleep, Logie."

I forced myself to flop off him and onto the other side of the couch. I was _so_ tired, and I was able to sleep when Kendall was next to me. The second I wasn't cuddled up to his warm body, the voices were screaming at me again. I hated it, I hated it, boy I hated it.

"Kendall," I whined the second he wasn't next to me anymore.

"It's okay, buddy, I'm right here, okay?"

I felt his large, warm, welcoming arms scoop me up and I cuddled my head against his chest. I felt so safe, and so comfortable, and the voices seized, no longer attacking me, as if Kendall was the only thing that could save me from them.

I was gently placed on my twin-sized bed in my little bedroom. I looked up at Kendall who had yet to lay next to me.

"I have to pee," he said.

I nodded quickly, and stayed completely still as I watched him leave my room. The voices started shouting at me that he wasn't coming back, that I've driven him away, that I'm clingy, that I confuse him, that he doesn't deserve this, all the burdens that come with loving me.

The voices were vicious, and cruel, and oh, how I _fucking hated them_. I didn't even know I was crying till Kendall came back and said, "What's the matter, Logie?"

"…you came back?"

He crawled over me and took the spot next to the wall, like he did the first time he slept over. "Of course I came back," he said, "I'm always coming back for you, Doll."

That was the first time he called me Doll since I told him not to months ago. I didn't know how precious the nickname was to me till he said it again.

"What's the matter, buddy? Really, you can tell me anything. I know something's bothering you. Is it _someone_? Because I swear to god, I'll skin him alive."

I shook my head. "Just don't leave."

He sighed. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." His arms wrapped around me and I settled next to him. "You're shaking."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. I should be. Did I do this to you?"

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. absolutely not. I do this to myself."

"I'm worried about you. You seem…out of it, lately."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we go to sleep now?"

"…yeah."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Please be here when I wake up?"

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

* * *

Note: Awh, some cute Kogan moments. This, honestly, was the hardest chapter to write. I know what's going on, and writing Logan is getting hard. I hope it was worth it. Thanks for reading(:


	6. 3 Kendall

Thought: So in the last chapter i very, very, extremely subtly skipped ahead a few months. i make it more evident in Kendall's pointofview. sorry about the confusion lol. i just was too lazy to write them not being together but _kindof_ getting along because never together. yeah. anywho.

* * *

Kendall.

Trips to Logan's house was more regular as the months passed. We weren't exactly allowed anywhere else to hang out. My mother certainly didn't want us hanging around her house; James's died like to beat us all up, and Carlos's mother was fucking anal as hell. If we couldn't hang out at a house, then we'd have to hang out in town. Bad things happen when we hung out in town.

Logan's mom was cool, she didn't mind us hanging around the house. She let us eat all the food we wanted, no problem, let us rent movie from Cox, easy-peas, and we didn't even have to knock! Well, Carlos still did, but he was anal about that.

I like using that word, anal, ha. It's like a perfect description for anything.

"So, this morning, after I dropped Katie off at school, I realized I forgot her lunch and had to go all the way back home, then back to her school, and then to the high school. I was fifteen minutes late to animal science," I was telling Logan one February morning.

"I'm sure Mr. Picard wasn't too hard on you," said Logan.

"Nah, he was okay. But it's the principle," I stated, like I actually knew what I was talking about.

"…the principle? You mean, you forgetting Katie's lunch?" He said duh-ly.

I chuckled. "Yeah, that principle."

He smiled and itched his head. I tried to lean against the fridge, trying to be all cool, but ended up missing the fridge and falling to the floor. I fucking landed on my ass, and it was no pleasant. I saw his eyes appear from the counter. "Smooooooth," he said smoothly.

I jumped up and fixed my hair. I looked at him, and I just couldn't believe how unbelievably attracted I was to him I couldn't help but grin, he was so cute and so smooth and my god this was my boy. He tilted his nose in the air in a snobby way with fighting back a smirk. I knew he was fucking with me. We liked to fuck with each other a bit.

"So, how was your day?" I asked as casual as I could.

"Changing the subject," he said. "Nice. My morning was okay, I guess. I was tired because I got shit for sleep, but I'm pretty sure I aced that English test."

"Why didn't you sleep good?" I wondered.

"I don't know."

I knew he knew.

"Well, I'll sleep over tonight, okay? I'll get you to sleep," I offered, knowing he wouldn't refuse. I'd slept over a few times since the first time I'd slept over in November.

"Oh yeah? How?" he questioned.

"…I'll think of something." I knew how.

His eyes searched me, questioningly. "Okay," he finally said with a nod.

My tummy growled. I smiled. "Excellent. I'm hungry."

He laughed. "Okay. Want me to make you something?"

Being a smart ass, I said, "Well it won't make itself."

He gave a nod. "Good point. What do you want?"

I said, "Food."

He nodded and searched the cupboards and fridge, pulling out various items that I couldn't see what they were.

"Whatcha making?" I asked.

"Grilled cheese sandwich." he replied.

"Grilled cheese sammich?"

"Mhmm."

"Is it gon' be TASTY?"

I was fucking with him now. See, we did that. Often.

"…yeah."

"Is it gon' be DELICIOUS?"

"Not if I burn it."

"Is it gon' be BURNT?"

"If. I. Burn. It," he said slowly, clearly slightly annoyed.

"Don't burn it, Logie, don't burn that grilled cheese."

"Don't be a back-seat chef, Kendall."

"Is there such thing?"

He said nothing, and continued cooking.

Then, he looked shocked. Horridly, horridly shocked, and his eyes were a little weird and he looked like his heart had been broken. "Wait, what?"

A little worried but not making myself too alarmed I said, "I said, 'is there such a thing?'"

He sucked it in and looked happy again. "…oh. Well, yeah, there's such a thing. It's like a back-seat driver, you know, the person who tells you how to drive when you're doing just fine."

"I'm just messing with ya, Logie," I said, feeling really bad. "I'd still eat it if you burned it."

"Excuse me?"

My heart fumbled. "…I said, 'I'm just messing with ya, Logie. I'd still eat it if you burned it.' Are you okay? You just…you seem off today."

He violently shook his head. "I'm sorry, I'm just…tired, I guess."

"Okay, well…you can tell me anything, you know."

He nodded shortly and put the grilled cheese on a plate. For whatever reason, he piled Smartfood popcorn onto the plate right next to it. I couldn't help but laugh. "Grilled cheese and popcorn, thanks, buddy."

He smiled. "You're welcome."

I ate my grilled cheese. I knew he was watching me, and I could see him from the corners of my eye. I tried not to make eye contact because things were quite awkward at the moment. The way he looked…it was scary. It was dreadful. Those eyes…they weren't the same. I'd never seen anybody look at me like this. Like pure, honest hatred.

Then sudden softness as if he had a epitome(1) or whatever it is and he gets up, and looks in the fridge and I'm watching him secretly because I'm worried and he doesn't even notice.

-

James and Carlos left before dinner. They decided that they wanted McDonald's, but Logan didn't want to go anywhere, and I wasn't about to leave him home alone, so they left together, and stayed at the house. Logan's mom came home from work around six.

"Hey Kendall, hey Doll," she greeted us as soon as she saw us. "What are you guys up to?"

When I knew he wasn't going to reply I said, "We're about to make dinner. You hungry?"

She shook her head. "Oh, no sweetie, that's okay. I'm going to get ready. I have a date tonight."

Logan whipped around to look at her. "Oh, you do, do you?"

She smiled. "Yes, I do."

"And who exactly is this with?"

"His name is Michael. I met him at the club the other night. We're just going out to dinner, Doll it's no big deal."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Every time I see you, you have this huge attitude. How do I tell you anything?"

He rubbed his head and sighed. "Can you repeat that?"

She blinked blankly, as if confused by what he'd said. "I said I never see you, and every time I do, you give me attitude or lip, or roll your eyes at me. How am I supposed to tell you anything?"

"I don't know," he said, rubbing his eyes so hard I thought they were going to fall out of his fucking head.

"Are you okay, Doll?" she asked.

"I'm fine."

"Something just seems-" she pressed

"Shhh," he said. "Please let it go."

"Okay…well…I'll cancel my date in a heartbeat and stay home with you if you need me to, baby."

"Kendall is sleeping over," he said, a bit harshly, "I don't need you."

She nodded softly. "Okay." She kissed his head and softly said, "I love you. You'll always be my Baby Doll, got it?"

He nodded, too, but the expression on his face clearly read 'unaffected'.

She left the kitchen to get ready for her date. I liked to think Logan and I were on some sort of date. We would, after all, be alone together for a long time.

I let the situation with Doll and his mom go. It wasn't exactly my business. You didn't seem him asking for my opinion, nor did you see him asking about my mother at all. There were some subjects we knew not to press each other about. We talked about each other, not about other people. Especially if they weren't in the room. So I let it go.

We were chefs for the night! We raided the cupboards and made chicken and pasta, and broccoli with alrfedo, and oh my god it was fucking to die for. Not kidding. Like it was better than Applebees. It was magnificent, from making the dinner with Logan all the way to cleaning up. The whole night was so fucking enjoyable, and peaceful, and relaxing, and natural, and right.

I couldn't believe all the things we'd talked about. Logan didn't have any more of those weird spell things that he'd been having. He was relatively normal all evening, and his eyes even sparkled a bit towards the end of dinner. He was stunningly adorable. From that pale skin, to those dark eyes, and those cute little legs, he was just so cute.

After we ate, we cleaned up. He washed the dishes, and I dried them and put them away. "Want to watch a movie?"

"Hmm?" he asked, not having heard me.

"Want to watch a movie?"

He hesitated less than a second before saying, "Only if we cuddle."

My heart screamed with excitement and my laughing couldn't be contained. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

I held my hand out and once he took it I led him into the living room. I felt like this was surreal. Logan wasn't really doing this. Logan wasn't really letting me cuddle with him. Logan wasn't really being like pre-boyfriend material. I couldn't believe it. I sat him in the middle of the couch and put in the first movie I saw. I sat on the left of him and rested myself on the arm of the couch, and he cuddled close to me. He grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and put it on top of us.

We fit like fucking spoons, dude! Not even kidding. It was incredible, to be holding him, touching him, having him on me. I loved it, I loathed it even though I had it. I never wanted it to end. My arm wrapped around him, perfectly, comfortable, and it made my heart beat with ecstaticy because it was the best feeling ever.

I couldn't help but look at him, and naturally, he couldn't help but look back. I studied every part of him. From those chocolate eyes, to those perfect lips and smile. To the chickenpox scar on his cheek to the scar I gave him with a garbage can lid in seventh grade on his forehead. To the bump on his nose, and to the butt of his chin. God I'd never wanted him out of my life.

Soon, he fell asleep. It was funny to watch him initially start to nod off, because he did the head bobbing thing until he finally let go. Once the movie was over, my feet were asleep and the tingly-Pringles in my feet hurt. I couldn't get up without waking him up. I was stuck underneath him and I had to jizz.

I shifted him slightly. "Logie," I said, "I can carry you to the room, but you gotta shift so I can get up. Okay, buddy?"

"Mmmfrg."

"My feet are asleep, Logie," I whined.

He literally forced himself off of me and I jumped up, stretching my legs momentarily and wincing slightly at the tingly-pringles in my feets.

"Kendall," he whined the second he wasn't next to me anymore.

I turned towards him. "It's okay, buddy, I'm right here, okay?"

I scopped him up, a pile in my arms as I carried him to his room and placing him on the bed and he looked up at me.

"I have to pee," I said.

He nodded quickly and I went to the bathroom, as quickly as I could. It took a little bit, though, because I had been holding it in for quite some time. When I went back into the room, and approached the bed, my boy was crying. "What's the matter, Logie?" My heart ached at the pile of Logan on the bed.

He seemed baffled "…you came back?"

I got into my spot on his bed. "Of course I came back," I said, "I'm always coming back for ya Doll." I couldn't help but call him Doll. He was Doll, always, to me and I felt bad but he didn't seem offended by it this time. He didn't seem to mind. I thanked the heavenly father of all motherfucking Jesus above.

"What's the matter, buddy? Really, you can tell me anything. I know something's bothering you. Is it someone? Because I swear to god, I'll skin him alive," I encouraged seriously.

He shook his head. "Just don't leave."

I sighed but I didn't want to press him. I didn't want to press him into anything he didn't want to talk about. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." I wrapped my arms tightly around him and felt his body tremble. "You're shaking."

"I'm sorry…" he said.

My heart ached. "Don't be. I should be. Did …I do this to you?"

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. absolutely not. I do this to myself."

I didn't know if I could believe him, but the way he had said, 'just don't leave' made me know otherwise. "I'm worried about you. You seem…out of it, lately."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we go to sleep now?" he changed the subject.

I wanted to say no. I wanted him to tell me everything. Instead out came, "…yeah."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Please be here when I wake up?"

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

I watched him sleep for a while. It wasn't easy for him to fall asleep at first, because he was still crying and I just rubbed in circles on his back trying to calm him down and when it worked he exhaustedly let himself pass right out. I didn't want to sleep, cause I didn't want to miss looking at him, but eventually, I just couldn't help it.

And when I woke back up, there we were, in the same spots as we had fallen asleep. Logan was still sleeping. I had to pee, but I didn't want to risk not being there when Logan woke up, afraid of what might happen. He'd been so weird lately. I wasn't sure what the fuck was going on, but I was definitely confused, and I for certain didn't want to leave him ever.

I shook him a little. "Doll," I said. "Doll, wake up."

He groaned.

"Do-oll."

"Kendall?"

"Doll."

His eyes opened and fell on me. "You okay?" he asked.

I smirked. "Oh, hermoninmal."

"Phenomenal?"

"Yeah, pheomelanin."

"Don't act dumb."

"I'm not acting!"

"You're not helping your case either, there."

I shifted my eyes and got up off the bed. He watched me as I did this and I didn't even feel awkward about it. It felt regular, like it was always supposed to happen this way, every morning for the rest of our lives.

"Are you okay?" I asked, looking at him as he got up.

He smiled that half smile of his and said, "Yeah. Phenomenal."

"You're sure?"

"Why? Do I look bad?"

I laughed. "You couldn't if you tried," I explained.

"Alright, well, are you hungry?"

"…let's go on a date."

"That was random."

"You were random first. Don't even argue with me, cause I can go all day."

He giggled. "Yeah, you're right. I was random first. But that means you have to answer my question first."

"No, I'm not hungry. Your turn. You in?"

He took in a deep breath.

"You know you want to," I encouraged with a smile. "Doll."

He nodded. "Fine," he said breathlessly, shrugging a shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, then," I said with a smile. "I'll arrange it, I mean, if you insist."

He rolled his eyes with a smirk and started to brew coffee. He seemed okay for the most part. Nothing out of the ordinary. I hated feeling like I was studying him or something, but I just wanted him to be okay. Something was going on, though, and I was nervous. I would get him to tell, I just didn't know when, or where, or how.

"You're ugly and stupid," Logan said suddenly. Still, he was facing the coffee pot. I couldn't see his face, he wasn't directly looking at me.

"Wait, what?" I asked, a little shocked, wondering if I should be laughing right now, or wondering if I should be serious. I didn't know.

"I don't know why Kendall even spends time with you you're so dumb," Logan continued.

My heart was racing hard and my mind was racing. "Doll?" I said, "What are you talking about?"

"You're like a midget. Who would want to date a midget? Kendall hates you. He's just pretending to love you. How can anyone love you."

"Logan, stop," I begged.

"You mind as well kill yourself, you're so fucking pathetic. Die. Just die. Nobody wants you, you don't deserve anybody. Go die."

"Logan, knock it off!" I screamed.

"Just useless to the world. You know how easy it is. Go ahead, go do it. Go do it because everyone hates you. You're worthless, you can't save anything and you'll never be anything. Ever."

I couldn't take it anymore and got close to him, and started to shake him as he was talking, "LOGAN SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He glared at me with devil demon eyes but I said, "Knock yourself out of it," I ordered firmly, aggressively and in control.

His glare lost tension and his eyes lightened up and he blinked a few times then said, "…what are you doing?"

"What am I doing? What are you doing?"

"…making coffee? You're in my business."

"Doll…you just…do you just realize what happened?"

"Uh, well, I'm making coffee and now you're suddenly holding onto my shoulders. Rather tightly, by the way."

I loosened my grip and slowly let him go. "Doll…you just…like…you yelled at yourself…it was…well it wasn't like anything I'd ever seen before. I just…I can't even explain…"

I didn't know how to describe this. I didn't know what to do. But I knew that this wasn't normal behavior. I knew there was something wrong with him and I knew he needed real help because things like that don't just happen if there wasn't something seriously wrong.

I studied him. "What did I say?" he asked finally.

"You just…things like you'll never amount to anything, and you're pathetic…and…and how could I love you because you're so dumb…it was awful. Why did….do you really think that?"

He shook his head, eyes welled but he was obviously trying to hide it. "No! I definitely don't think that, Kendall, I don't even remember saying it!"

"Logan, it just happened!"

"Are you losing your mind?"

"Are you!"

"I don't…" he breathed heavily. "I don't know."

"Just…do you…you know you can come to me if you need help right? Like, I'll get it for you?"

He nodded. "I know."

"That's all?"

He nodded.

"Okay."

I tried to let it go best I could. It was hard to not think about it. If things didn't start changing really soon I figured I'd be forcing him into some help. I didn't want to do that but his health was at stake here, his emotional health. That's the scariest health of all. I'd already fucked it up enough. This shouldn't be happening. It was probably my fault. I hated this. I wanted him to come to me and to trust me.

But instead of saying something, I started making the plans for our date.

* * *

Note: So. yeah. there's Kendall. What's uupppp w. our boy Logan? hmm. not sure.? stay tuned & thanks for reading(;

* * *

(1). Kendall really means 'epiphany'


	7. 4 Logan

**Thought: Hi. Yeah, that didn't take forever and a half. Have I totally ruined this? Be honest. I think I have.**

* * *

Logan.

* * *

"Doll. Doll, wake up."

I groaned upon hearing my name.

"Do-oll."

"Kendall?" I squeaked.

"Doll."

I opened my eyes. "You okay?" I asked, concerned that something was wrong. Why would he wake me up if something wasn't wrong?.

He just smirked. "Oh, hermoninmal."

I hadn't the slightest clue where he came up with these ridiculous words. He _tried_ to have a wider vocabulary, but it had a tendency to…well, not go exactly in his favor. "Phenomenal?" I asked.

"Yeah, pheomelanin."

"Don't act dumb," I ordered, thinking he was doing it purposely now.

"I'm not acting!" He offered.

"You're not helping your case either, there." I said with a smirk.

I watched him as he got up off the bed. My heart started beating fast as my body instantly panicked, my brain assuming he was leaving.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking at _me_ as I followed his suit.

I smiled. "Yeah. Phenomenal."

"You're sure?"

"Why? Do I look bad?"

_Of course you look bad. You always look bad._

He laughed. "You couldn't if you tried."

"Alright, well, are you hungry?"

"…let's go on a date."

_Barf. Kendall, what are you thinking! Do you _know_ what you're getting into? Disgust….just walk away. Just…just go already…like you did at the lake. Maybe it's more logical if you go. You always go. Leave. Die. Your mother has you trapped here, just die. Just die. Just…die…_

"That was random."

"You were random first. Don't even argue with me, cause I can go all day."

I giggled. "Yeah, you're right. I was random first. But that means you have to answer my question first."

"No, I'm not hungry. Your turn. You in?"

_Touché, Kendall_, thought my big voice. _Stupid fuck._

"You know you want to," He encouraged with a smile. Then, when he thought I wasn't going to respond, he seriously, without a smile, said, "Doll."

I hesitantly nodded. "Fine," I breathed, shrugging a shoulder.

"Yeah?" He questioned.

"Yeah." I confirmed.

_Idiot. You should have said no. You're no good to Kendall. You're no good for Kendall. You're bringing him down. Just dragging him. Pathetic._

"Okay, then," he said with a smile. "I'll arrange it, I mean, if you insist."

I rolled my eyes and turned towards the coffee pot, starting to brew a pot for my mom.

"_You're ugly and stupid I don't know why Kendall even spends time with you you're so dumb You're like a midget. Who would want to date a midget? Kendall hates you. He's just pretending to love you. How can anyone love you. You mind as well kill yourself, you're so fucking pathetic. Die. Just die. Nobody wants you, you don't deserve anybody. Go die. Just useless to the world. You know how easy it is. Go ahead, go do it. Go do it because everyone hates you. You're worthless, you can't save anything and you'll never be anything. Ever_."

One minute, I'm making coffee, the next minute, Kendall is grabbing my shoulders, looking at me like I'm nutso, I'm facing him and he's slightly breathless, as if he'd just been screaming.

I was confused. "…what are you doing?"

"What am I doing? What are _you_ doing?"

I was a little worried about him, and he was literally grilling me. I wanted to tell him to back down, but in a way, I liked how much he cared, and he was now easily my best friend. "…making coffee? You're in my business."

"Doll…you just…do you just realize what happened?"

"Uh, well, I'm making coffee and now you're suddenly holding onto my shoulders. Rather tightly, by the way."

His grip loosened and his arms slowly dropped to his sides.. "Doll…you just…like…you yelled at yourself…it was…well it wasn't like anything I'd ever seen before. I just…I can't even explain…"

I didn't know what to say. My brain scanned for my voices, but they were no where to be found. They couldn't block me out of this situation…but…suddenly I thought maybe they _were_ the situation.

"What did I say?" I asked.

"You just…things like you'll never amount to anything, and you're pathetic…and…and how could I love you because you're so dumb…it was awful. Why did….do you really think that?"

I wanted to cry at his tone. I wanted to cry thinking he'd actually think I'd think that. Kendall had a major pride thing. He didn't want a dumb piece of trash, but I wanted him, and I'd do anything to keep him. "No! I definitely don't think that, Kendall, I don't even remember saying it!"

"Logan, it _just_ happened!"

"Are you losing your mind?"

"Are _you_!"

I held my breath. "I don't…" I let the breath go. "I don't know." I must have been losing my mind. Kendall was telling me I had _just_ said something, but I had no recollection at all of saying anything.

"Just…do you…you know you can come to me if you need help right? Like, I'll get it for you?"

I nodded. "I know." Obviously, Kendall was trying to be good for me. He had honestly done nothing wrong since I'd been back; he'd been perfect. That was why I elected to hang out with him. Then the voices came, and kept telling me he was going to leave me because I'm useless. Like he left me at the lake. Like he left me in the alley. Like he left my heart, more than once.

"That's all?"

I nodded again.

"Okay."

I finished brewing the coffee and Kendall said he had to go make a phone call or two. I nodded, and proceeded to pour the coffee into a mug, adding creamer and sweetener, putting it on the table. Despite my attitude towards my mother, I usually made her coffee and put it on the table. It was just a habit, about six times a week. When I was a kid, she liked to have her newspaper first thing. Now, she liked to have her laptop and Farmville with a cigarette and that coffee.

So, I flipped open her laptop, pressed the power button and went into her room to shake her awake. "Time for a new day," I told her, and then I went to take a shower.

I showered quickly; you have a lot of time to think in the shower, and I hated thinking lately. It was always leading to bad things.

I tried to tune out the voices by wondering what Kendall was planning, but thinking about Kendall didn't help. In fact, it made it worse, because he was clearly the key thing they had to pick on. So, I went in my room and blasted the music.

Music killed them. It tuned them out, I just thought of the words. The melodies would rid the interfering voices; it just made them disappear. It was almost as if they weren't there at all. It was wonderful. Kendall also helped make them disappear. Sometimes, though, I just couldn't. I couldn't do it; they were quite powerful. But Kendall…I hated Kendall. I mean, I loved him, but I hated him.

I know, it's doesn't make sense, it's wishy-wash,y but nothing I say makes sense so try to bear with me. Kendall was a fucking dick. He was an asshole, he was bossy, controlling, loud, arrogant, stubborn, sloppy, pig-headed, stupid, not properly trained in the English language, overbearing, slightly compulsive, and tall. But Kendall was protective.

I'd never had any kind of 'protection'; dad was never home. _I_ was the one being the protector. It made me feel good to have someone looking out for me. I loved it. I felt safe, like, at ease. Every time I'd been in Jackson, Minnesota I hated it more and more, felt more unsafe each time. The confusing part was, it was Kendall who made me feel unsafe to begin with. So in a sense, Kendall was protecting me from Kendall. My brain went back and forth trying to analyze this, trying to make something of it. But it still came up negatively. Kendall was the worst thing ever, in my mind.

_However_, I loved Kendall. He was sweet. He was caring, and sensitive, and he liked to do nice things for everybody. I talk about change a lot, and one thing I knew for sure was that Kendall didn't change. He was still the same Kendall I knew, still into things he shouldn't have been in. The only thing that had changed was his mind about me.

I didn't have a conclusion. I didn't know what to think. But I knew I wanted to spend time with Kendall. I knew I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I knew I wanted him to want me to be his boyfriend. But that didn't mean I didn't hate him, because I did. But…I loved him. …I love him.

So, Kendall and I went on a date. It was sweet; because Kendall knew how to be sweet. The voices were gone all night; not one was heard. All I focused on was Kendall and it was all I needed to focus on.

Let me be the first to tell you, that Kendall Knight is _not_ romantic. _Like this is surprising, right? _Our date was sweet, yes, but, only because I'm a guy, and paintball at any time is fucking awesome. That wasn't even the sweet part. _Crazy right_? It wasn't the movie we saw, or the dinner that he cooked at home and we ate in bed (MY FAVORITE THING TO DO). It was the way he looked at me. The small things he'd do or say. He naturally held doors for people, he had _flawless_ manners when it came to everyone, he was so polite and poised and it was nice to see that part of him. He said the phrase, "ya know?" quite often, and he frequently asked if I was okay. I knew that was instinctive for him, part of that protection thing I was talking about.

Point blank, he was sweet.

It seemed the more time I spent with Kendall, and the more I listened to music, the better things got. Except nights were brutal. I was constantly a little grumpy because of lack of sleep; insomnia had overcome me by the loudness of the arguing voices. They had names now; Nell and Dank. Nell was the big voice. Well, not big. But big. His voice was deeper; Nell was more soft and easy; he was the little voice. He sometimes argued in my favor.

I'm using a lot of oxymorons which is really unacceptable. But I won't fix it. Nope, not even as long as they tell me to. Because you know why? I thought it, so it's right. It has to be. I think, I'm just thinking. Yeah, let's move the fuck on and get to where this story is going.

It was like, April. Two months after Kendall's and I first date, and it was kind of warm for April. Kendall and I weren't _boyfriends_, but we were definitely dating, and definitely had a thing, because you don't mack out with your friend or flirt with your friend the way Kendall and I did.

It was late and I was walking home alone from the market, buying milk. We always ran out of milk right when mom wanted cereal. _Typical. _I heard footsteps behind me. I said, "I know it's you, Kendall." and I turned, you know, expecting Kendall. It wouldn't be the first time. But it wasn't. It was someone I'd _never_ seen before. "…you're not Kendall," I commented.

"I'm aware," said the guy. He wasn't very tall, but he was taller than me. He had tattoos all over his arms and neck, his head was completely shaved and he was dressed in all black.

"Well, who the hell are you?"

"Why are you so sassy, Mr. Questions?"

"Because you were following me."

He laughed. "I'm not following you. I'm gonna take you."

I laughed, too. "Take me where? I'm not going anywhere-"

"You know what your precious little boyfriend was doing last week?" He asked, his tone changing, sounding irate. "He and his little man-slaves were _in my_ territory, and they took something that didn't belong to them. Now, I'm in their territory. And I'm'na take something that don't belong to me."

I blinked, unconvinced. I figured I could take this guy. "I can't help you there. I have to get this milk home to my mom so she can eat some cereal."

He spit a big nasty snot rocket on the ground and laughed. "Did you not hear me? I said I'm. Gonna. Take. You."

I chuckled - till I felt a hand over my mouth and my hands being gripped, my mom's milk dropping on the ground and exploding onto the pavement. I couldn't scream, because there were hands covering my fucking mouth. I couldn't flail or try to escape; I was suddenly surrounded. I had no chance. I never did.

The original guy got in my face and smiled. "Your precious boyfriend will not get away with this. Ya got it? You're gonna cooper-ate, because if ya don't, I'll won't hesit-ate to blow your fucking skull to pits. Ya got it?"

I nodded. I was gonna cooper-ate, or get my skull blown to pits.

* * *

Note: So, yeah, sorry if that changed a little, but I HAD TO DO IT. so I hope you don't mind, I hope I'm not ruining this. I really love this story, and I've honestly been afraid of ruining it. I'm heading in a The Outsiders, Deuces Wild, Eye of the Storm kind of direction. (The Outsiders - GREATEST book ever. also excellent movie. Deuces Wild - great movie. Eye of the Storm - one of the _**best**_ stories i've read) **I really hope you don't mind, and I hope you haven't abandoned this story because I took so long.** Thank you for reading.


	8. 4 Kendall

Thought: I started a new story that I'm head over heels for. It's called 'Weak.' It's murderous, really, go check it out. Seriously. Go. Go. Well, read THIS first, then GO. Haha.

The beginning is a little rushed, because I'm REALLY stuck. (stuck, but I'm never giving up, up. d: )

also, sorry it takes so long for me to update. this story has really been a struggle for me.**  
**

* * *

I knew Logan pretty well at this point, so while he finished the coffee, I went to call and arrange some things. I had half the town up the sleeve of my shirt and it was easy to think of something to do.

Doll loved adventure, and he loved thrills. You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but the kid was an adrenaline junky. He _loved_ being scared. I think that's what drew me to him; his bravery. Even when we were kids, and I was chasing him into lakes and shit, he never cowered or gave up.

The way he was acting was awful weird, and I was _really_ wanting to get his mind off of it. So, for our first date, I figured I'd do all of Doll's favorite things; shoot things, watch chick flicks, and eat on his bed. I'd never in my life met someone who likes to eat on their bed as much as Doll. He friggin did it as much as possible. Sometimes I thought he _wouldn't_ eat if he wasn't on his fucking bed.

I called in a few favors, and Logan's eyes lit up like a goddamned Christmas tree and we shot at cans, and I even let him shoot at me. But, of course, I shot at him and we had a small game of manhunt. It was excellent. Then, we went to the movies and saw that movie with Jennifer Aniston about the puppy. And then, we cooked dinner at his house and ate it on his bed. Not necessarily _romantic_ but I wasn't really a romantic guy. I didn't think Doll was either.

I slept over, of course, but Doll had been…professional, I guess you could say. Once the date had ended, the date had ended. It pissed me off, cause I wanted to make out a little, but I respected him, of course. Part of me wanted to tie him up, but I persisted(1) the urge. When I woke up, however, we were cuddling, kind of, sort of, and it was nice.

The following morning, I went with James to the beach on West Street. The West Street kids were friggin dumb and murderers. Not saying that I'd never murdered anyone, but they did it like a game. I did it when necessary. They killed James's dog, _and_ this kid Austin's cat that very day. We took the beloved lived caged seagull that was one a post in the middle of the beach and smashed it to bits, you know, for a bit of revenge, right in front of Wayne's car. Wayne was the ringleader of their whole brigade.

Wayne and I had had problems for a long time. Wayne's cousin was Billy, the kid I smashed his nose in first grade for beating up Doll? Yeah. So, Wayne never liked me. Not that I cared, I could not care less about that asshole. He didn't phase me or scare me. He wasn't on my level.

James and I met up with Carlos who had just got off work and made our way to Doll's house. We let ourselves in, and Carlos stopped at the door, knocking loudly before entering and kicking his shoes off at the door. James went in the kitchen and got a soda, and I plopped on the couch. "DO-OLL." I shouted, expecting him to come running out around the corner.

Instead, it was Mama Mitchell in her robe. "Doll went to get milk about twenty minutes ago. He should be back any minute."

I nodded, accepting this and we said we'd wait for him to return. Well, Carlos sitting still lasts for about ten minutes, so after ten minutes, I was a little curious as to where my little friend was. "Mom!" I shouted, "You said he left when?"

I heard her yelling back, "It was 8:16 exactly, because I sent a text to my sister as he walked out the door."

I looked at the clock. 8:53. I stood up. "We're gonna go get him," I said; and Carlos _gladly_ led the way out the door, me right on his tail and James next to me. Carlos walked fast, just because he liked to move and we'd had him still for ten minutes. We made good headway with him in the lead cause he friggin was a speedy walker and we were trying to keep up with him.

"It's friggin cold," James commented.

"Yeah," I said.

"What the fuck am I stepping in?" Carlos questioned.

I looked down and noticed that his feet were standing in a slightly frozen white substance on the sidewalk. All the snow was shoveled off the sidewalk and it was clear that this was something that had been spilled.

Then I saw the milk jug, and James clearly noticed it, too, saying, "It's milk."

When I heard the word out loud it registered in my brain that, "Doll was getting milk. Check the expiration date on that jug."

Carlos picked it up and read the date aloud, being about a week from that date. The same date on the milk jug at my house that my mother had purchased that morning. That's when my cell phone rang and I pulled it out, not recognizing the number. "Hello?" I snapped into the receiver. I didn't have a good feeling about this.

"Hi."

"What'd you do?" I spat.

"Relax. I didn't hurt your boyfriend yet. You fucking annihilated Nigel; I can't imagine why I have yet to annihilate your boyfriend and leave _his_ bits by _your_ car."

I couldn't resist. "Are you saying Nigel was your boyfriend?"

"_Don't _make jokes, Knight. You're in no position to make comments right now. With one word, I can have little Logie's brains all over the windshield of your mother's piece of shit Oldsmobile, so you better listen the fuck up."

I was already annoyed with this; I didn't know who he thought he was, but I knew one thing: Doll was on my level. _Whatever_ it was that Wayne-Wayne had planned for him, Doll would be okay. He knew his shit; he knew all about being attacked and getting out of it. But, all those times in the past, _I_ had been there to bail him out. I didn't know what Wayne wanted, and it made me nervous, but I did know that no matter what, I was gonna find a way to fucking bail him out. I was going to make sure of that.

James and Carlos were watching me, trying to get answers by my expression. I knew better. I kept my fucking poker face.

"You fucking knock your shit off, killing innocent birds and my fucking crew, got it? You stay _out_ of the West side, you leave me the fuck alone, and you surrender your territory."

I kind of wanted to laugh. My _territory_ was just my side of town. The side that Wayne had no business in. The side that I had never even claimed. I didn't have territory. The only land I ever owned was the dirt sticking to my shoes. I only ever killed people in his crew because he was killing and threatening people mine. If you think I'm going to sit there and let him kill all my friends without doing anything about it, you don't know me at all. He killed James's dog. I _had_ to destroy that fucking seagull.

Now, he'd got Doll.

"Where's Doll?"

"Don't worry about it, Kendall. That's not what we're negotiating."

"Yes, actually, it is," I informed my stupid rival. "_You_ put him in the middle of a battle that's not his. Weren't you fucking _warned_ about Doll?"

I heard him chuckle on the other line. "Yeah, well, this is how well _that _worked. And, have you even _seen_ Robert in a few days? Yeah, how do you think we even knew when Doll was leaving his house? How do you think we knew where his house was? You're not as great as you think you are, Kendall. Your crew isn't loyal. They're on my fucking side."

I didn't want to let myself feel defeated, but I couldn't lie, I kind of had. I really hadn't seen Robert in a few days; he wasn't dead, but he was to me.

"I don't…I don't know what you expect me to do here," I said.

"I already told you."

"I don't _have_ territory to give you! All I have is…" I couldn't tell him that the only thing I had was in his possession. He couldn't keep Doll. He just couldn't.

"All you have is, _what,_ Knight?" Wayne encouraged me to tell. Then, I heard a bang, and a, "The kid's freaking out, boss!" before the line went dead.

I turned to my friends. James spit hard with anxiety and I said, "Wayne's got Logan. He wants me to surrender my territory and leave him alone."

"Saying nothing about _him_ leaving _you_ alone?"

"Exactly. I'm just nervous as to how Doll's gonna handle this situation after everything that's been going on lately. Like, you know, he's…crazy. His brain tells himself things that he just believes."

"So, what are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna go get my fucking Doll back. I heard someone say he was freaking out. What if he's having one of those spells and can't talk himself out of it? I've gotta get him."

"How do you know where he is?"

I shook my head. "I don't," I tapped my cell phone, "But I know where Wayne is."

He was at his apartment. He lived alone, and he was there alone when we barged in. I stormed up to the second apartment, knocking the door open, and angrily marching towards Wayne, casually sitting on his couch. He looked surprised to see me. I whipped out my pocket knife and held it to his neck. James and Carlos were right behind me. I rose my eyebrows, signaling for them to scope out the apartment for any trace or sign of Logan.

Wayne smirked. "They ain't gonna find him," he said. "They ain't here. Nobody's here but me. How'd you find me? It ain't safe for you to be here."

I narrowed my eyes; at that point, I didn't give a fuck about safety, or anything. I just wanted to beat the fucking shit out of this kid. Who did this guy think he is, anyway? "I don't think it's safe for _you_ to be here," I said venomously. "You tell me where the fuck Logan is."

I pressed the blade hard into his neck, drawing blood but not making a deep cut. Just, scaring him. It worked. Wayne was a fucking pansy at his best. "He's at the warehouse with Rob and Tony!"

"James, stay here with Wayne. Carlos, come with me." I took off towards the warehouse with Carlos right on my tail. James was better to be left in charge than Carlos, just because he was less dependent. Carlos needed other people, and James could easily be left on his own. He'd know what to do in a twisted situation. Carlos, while great, needs to be told what to do.

We were almost at the warehouse when I tripped over something and landed hard on the ground, Carlos not stopping in time and tripping, too, landing on top of me. I pushed him off and looked at what we had tripped over. Logan.

"Doll?" I said, "What the hell? Are you okay? How'd you get out?"

Doll shook his head. "…I don't know."

"Well, where are Rob and Tony?"

He shook his head again.

"Are you hurt?"

Nothing. I stood up and offered my hand, but he didn't take it. He stayed still, on the ground, acting oddly. Carlos stood up too, and started to study him just like I did. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I _don't_ know, Kendall! I don't want to…I don't know what happened."

I was frustrated. "_Anything? I _can't fix this if you don't help me out here! Aren't you supposed to be _in_ the warehouse _with_ Tony and Rob? They're not just gonna set you free! WHAT happened!"

"I _was_! I was in the warehouse with Tony and Rob."

"And what happened? How badly did they hurt you? I can see that black eye, don't think I can't just because it's dark out here."

"_I'm_ alive aren't I?"

His tone worried me. I looked around cautiously. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know! Okay? They were beating on me, and then I blanked out and the next thing I knew, they were both fucking dead. They're in the warehouse. I don't know. I don't know what do to- I don't even know what happened!"

He started crying so I grabbed him and brought him up to his feet, holding him tight. I looked at Carlos, worried. Carlos shook his head, doubting the thoughts he knew were in my head.

"Impossible," he said out loud, his voice soft.

"Bring Logan home," I said to Carlos, "I'm going to go get James."

"Okay. Come on, Doll."

Logan gripped me tighter. "No, no, no," he said. "I'm going with you, Kendall."

"Don't you think your mom has pissed her pants with worry by now, Doll?" I asked.

"I don't care, I'm not leaving you…you can't leave me…You can't leave me again!"

I bit my lip. "Alright," I said, "_I'll_ bring Doll home, Carlos you get James and the two of you alone come back to Doll's. Don't get followed. Don't hesitate to do what's necessary. Got it?"

Carlos nodded and started for Wayne's apartment, and I took off towards Doll's. His mom really started crying when she saw us, and I assured her that things were going to be okay and that James and Carlos were on their way, and for her not to worry about a thing and to just go to bed.

I inspected Logan of his injuries, a few bruises, some bleeding cuts. He'd be okay, but it didn't mean I wasn't pissed. If Tony and Rob hadn't already been dead, I might have killed them myself. I didn't know what to think or what to do at this point. Logan didn't know anything. I wasn't afraid of Wayne or what he could do because I could always unbreak what he broke.

But I _was_ afraid of _me_…because I hadn't figured out how to unbreak what _I _broke.

* * *

Note: Yeah. I've REALLY ruined this. I knew I should have kept it a one-shot. Is it really as forced as I think it is? Please tell me it's not really that bad, just to you know, help…ugh. Thanks for reading guys.

* * *

1. Persisted - Kendall really means "insisted"


	9. 5 Logan

Thought: Sorry it takes me so long to update this than any other story. To my defense, this story gives me the most trouble, and I hesitate to write it because, as you can probably tell, I'm literally winging it. I'm making it up as I go along. The pieces don't fit and it's confusing ME probably as much as it's confusing you. I'm just trying to keep everyone entertained, even myself. However, writing Logan is easier than Kendall, so, without further adieu, here's Logan's 5th chapter.

* * *

It was disgustingly dark. I felt like I could throw up from how dark it was. Usually in these kinds of situations, I tried not to panic. I tended to know that Kendall was behind it, that he'd pop out and save me from whatever it was he'd set up to get me.

This time, it was a lot different, because I didn't think Kendall would do this to me. I didn't think he'd scare me like this, I didn't think he'd have Wayne go after me just for funsies. But I also couldn't help but think that you _really_ don't _know_ anyone in this world, and if at any given second Kendall wanted to play mind games with me, he could, and would.

This was different, though. If Kendall wanted to fuck with me, _he'd_ do it. He'd be the one to take me, and Carlos and James would be in the warehouse with me. Rob and Tony were _no_ Carlos and James. They were much bigger, much scarier, and could barely speak comprehendible English. Not that James's and Carlos's English was any better, but you know what I mean.

Dank, my Big Voice, kept saying that I was illogically thinking, that it was _obviously_ Kendall because he fucking hated me. Nell, my little voice, also was saying that I was illogical, that it obviously _wasn't_ Kendall because _he_ wanted to be the one to torture me, not let someone else do it.

_I_ didn't know what to think, or who to listen to. Either way, though, I knew I was listening to myself, because Nell and Dank were figures of my imagination. They weren't real, yet they ate me alive. They weren't real, yet I listened to them.

Dank had said a few times that I could get myself out of this situation if I was smart. If I wasn't such a fucking dumbass, I'd know what to do. If I wasn't retarded, I wouldn't be trapped in a warehouse with two giant idiots from Florence who would do anything for a couple hundred bucks. Nell stayed quiet, as usual, but putting his input in so often.

It was big and smelly in the warehouse. I lasted a few hours sitting quietly, waiting for this to be over. I trusted that Kendall knew I was gone, knowing he'd been on his way over to my house. I trusted my mom knew I was gone, _someone_ knew I was missing. It was, after all, friggin late at night and I was _just_ getting milk. I'd dropped the jug so hard that it broke, leaving a subtle hint for Kendall. Or my mom. Or whoever was going to save me.

_If anybody is going to save you. Kendall hates you, remember? Why's he gonna waste his time looking for you? Cas you're his 'Doll'? Yeah. The raggedy doll he had to throw away…that's why you're gonna rot in this warehouse till Rob and Tony kill you, or before you kill yourself. Which, you should have done a loooong time ago._

I flipped out on Dank, naturally, telling him to shut the fuck up, that he didn't know what he was talking about. Rob and Tony were looking at me like I was mental, although, I wasn't so sure they were wrong. After I started _screaming_ at Dank and Nell, Rob punched me a few times in the face and stomach, trying to get _me_ to quiet down. I almost threw up, it hurt so bad.

That's when everything went black, and when I woke up again, I was on the ground outside, flat on my back.

I peaked inside the warehouse, curiously, seeing two limp figures laying in dark pools of thick liquid. They were dead. Rob and Tony were _both_ dead and I didn't know how that had happened. I was scared, so I started running, and I tripped. But I didn't get up. I stayed in my spot, blanking out.

A loud crash had woken me up from my daze and I looked at Kendall and Carlos on the ground at my feet. They stayed sitting at my feet, and Kendall studied me, making sure I was really me, really Logan.

"Doll?" he asked cautiously, before asking in a panicked rushed voice, "What the hell? Are you okay? How'd you get out?"

I shook my head "…I don't know." I didn't. I had no idea how I got outside, I had no idea what had happened inside the warehouse. I didn't know if I was okay, because the last thing I remembered was getting hit, then waking up outside of the warehouse.

"Well, where are Rob and Tony?" Kendall asked, clearly getting increasingly worried as he asked these questions.

I shook my head again.

"Are you hurt?"

This time, I didn't respond at all. Kendall stood up and offered me his hand, but I didn't take it. I didn't move. I was frozen with fear, knowing that the only thing that could have possibly happened was _me_ killing Rob and Tony. I killed two people. There was no question. I had to have, there was no one else around. But it scared me that _I didn't even know what the fuck had happened. _I really didn't _know_ for sure. And I was frigging scared. I was glad Kendall was there, because if he wasn't, I might have started crying.

Carlos stood up too, and started to study me just like Kendall was. I didn't like how they were looking at me. They made me uncomfortable, and Kendall still pressed, so curious as to what happened. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I _don't_ know, Kendall! I don't want to…I don't know what happened."

His frustration was clear and it made my fear rise. I wasn't brave anymore. I wished it was me that was dead instead. I didn't want to face this reality.

"_Anything? I _can't fix this if you don't help me out here! Aren't you supposed to be _in_ the warehouse _with_ Tony and Rob? They're not just gonna set you free! WHAT happened!"

"I _was_!" I screamed in defense, then quickly lowered my voice. "I was in the warehouse with Tony and Rob."

"And what happened? How badly did they hurt you? I can see that black eye, don't think I can't just because it's dark out here."

"_I'm_ alive aren't I?"

He looked around cautiously. That's right, he didn't know yet. He didn't know that Tony and Rob were dead yet. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I don't know! Okay? They were beating on me, and then I blanked out and the next thing I knew, they were both fucking dead. They're in the warehouse. I don't know. I don't know what do to- I don't even know what happened!"

I couldn't help it, I started crying. I was crying so hard that snot was coming out of my nose; that I felt even more sick to my stomach, if that were possible. He grabbed me by my arms and for a second, for a split second, I thought _he_ was going to hit me, too. I thought he was going to hit me _again_, like he did in the past. I couldn't help but remember it. Instead of hitting me, he wrapped his arms around me; and I felt so comfortable in his embrace. Like, no matter what happened that night, Kendall would fix it.

That was something he was always good at.

Then I heard Carlos's soft voice say, "Impossible…"

"Bring Logan home," Kendall said dominantly. "I'm going to go get James."

"Okay. Come on, Doll," Carlos said.

I gripped onto Kendall for dear life. I'd just gotten him back in my arms, I wasn't going to give him up so easily. "No, no, no," I said. "I'm going with you, Kendall."

"Don't you think your mom has pissed her pants with worry by now, Doll?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

I, however, didn't care. How could I care about that right now? I just wanted to feel safe, I just wanted the voices to disappear, I wanted this whole situation to disappear. And Kendall was the only one who could do that for me. "I don't care, I'm not leaving you…you can't leave me…You can't leave me again!" I shouted that last part, knowing it'd get him.

He bit his lip and I thought, _bingo_. "Alright," he said, "_I'll_ bring Doll home, Carlos you get James and the two of you alone come back to Doll's. Don't get followed. Don't hesitate to do what's necessary. Got it?"

Carlos nodded and started for Wayne's apartment, and Kendall and I took off towards my house. My mom started crying hard when she saw us, and Kendall talked her down, because I thought if I opened my mouth to say anything, I'd just vomit. He got her to go back to bed quietly, without questioning him. He was so admirably a leader even my mom acquiesced his requests.

Kendall took me into the bathroom and with the lights on, inspected me from head to toe, looking for any serious injuries. I'd have some bruising and cuts, but nothing too serious. I was a big boy, I'd be okay. But I could tell he was angry. But I was broken, and it wasn't because of being punched, or kicked a few times. That'd happened before. I'd been stabbed, and robbed, and shot at. Not only by Kendall, either.

Kendall cleaned me up, cleaning blood off of me and taking care of me, carefully. He was quite cautious of me, and I didn't really like it. I didn't like it because I knew it wasn't because he thought I was _fragile._ I knew it was because he thought I was capable of killing. But I didn't think I was. But I had. I thought. I didn't know.

"Kendall," I said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's happeneing, please don't hate me. I love you, I do, I love you, why do you hate me? Oh, don't hate me…_please _don't hate me, I don't know what I'd do without you, I can't do this, I can't do this, please, please don't leave me anymore, I love you and I love you and I love you. I don't want you to hate me anymore, please, tell me what I have to do to make it so you don't hate me? Please…just…trust me, please. I just want you to trust me…I'll try to change, I'll try to shut up, I promise, but, don't hate me, don't, don't, don't…"

I didn't know I was crying till he wiped away hot tears that kept coming. His calloused hands felt good against my dry, reddened cheeks and I inadvertently leaned into his touch. I was so desperate for it. I wanted him so badly, I wanted him to love me so badly, but in the back of my head, there they were, Dank and Nell, telling me I was _fucking disgustingly stupid and pathetic. Begging Kendall to love you…retch. I might just vomit right now. He HATES you! Don't you get that? When will it sink in! Look at him, he thinks you're pathetic, too_…

And Kendall _was_ looking at me with sad eyes, and my breathing started to get more rapid and less controllable. I was panicking, I was listening to Dank and Nell and I hated myself for it. All I wanted was love from Kendall.

I _hated_ Jackson, Minnesota, but, my mom _had_ been right. It was the place I did fall in love, and even though I loved Kendall when hated me, I didn't want to believe that I didn't change. I didn't want to believe that Kendall didn't change. Because people are supposed to change, because it's natural. It's life. People mature and grow up. They realize their mistakes and they find out where they want to be and who they want to be with and who they want to be _like_.

"Doll," Kendall said, his voice soft, "I _do _love you…I've always loved you…you're the best thing that has ever happened to me…"

I couldn't breathe at this point from my obnoxious crying. I couldn't help it, I was so depressed about this situation. "No matter what happened today, Doll, no matter what happened yesterday, or last week, or last year, or four years ago. I love you. I fucking love you. You've never left my mind since the day I met you, you're all I think about. I'm literally crazy about you. I've _never truly_ hated you. Please try to calm down, baby, okay? You're scaring me and I don't like it…"

He wasn't helping anything. In fact, he was making it worse because with everything he said, Dank and Nell made retaliations. Kendall was lying, he was never telling the truth. He never truly loved me, that's what they said. He was lying, I never left his mind because he was thinking about how much he hated me, how much he loathed me and wished I was dead. Which is why he tried to kill me. Which is why he wasn't mad about me being a murderer, because I was going to get locked up in jail for life and he wouldn't have to worry about seeing my face anymore.

He wouldn't have to worry about me coming back as that boomerang he was always calling me.

The thought made me sick and it was a good thing we were still in the bathroom because I couldn't help but throw up, and it _hurt_ and it was gross, and it made my heart ache, despite Kendall's large hand rubbing circles on my back, telling me it would be okay. It made me cry even harder and it made my throat burn. It made me hate myself even more than I already did, because I was so pathetically stupid, pathetically lost in this world, lost in the dream of Kendall that I couldn't see the reality that he really hated me. I'd always loved him, and this was him, playing his sickest joke of all.

"If you hate me so badly," I said, spit hanging from my mouth, my cheeks, ears and eyes all red, my voice hoarse, my body shaking so badly it might have caused me to vomit again, "please just leave. Please leave because you hate me and this is my house and I don't want you to have to suffer and be near me anymore. Please…Kendall…this joke isn't funny anymore. You can't just stab me and jump me and try to drown me and then come back for round four and break my heart, I can't handle this anymore. I can't. I don't want to do this anymore…"

Kendall shook his head, "Doll, Doll, Doll, stop it please, _please_ don't say things like that. I'm not joking…honest to God…I love you, I just wish you would realize that…WHAT can I do to make you realize that! I'll do ANYTHING for you!"

"…just…just love me…"

"…I _do,_" Kendall said, his voice sounding tired, and looking like he was going to start crying, too. His arms found their way around me again and I fell into him, his strength making me stronger; his arms held me tightly and got me to stop shaking, but I couldn't stop crying. I didn't think I'd ever stop, not even after I ran out of body fluid.

James and Carlos let themselves in, Carlos doing so for the first time since I'd met him. "Wayne's been arrested," James stated, his voice low.

"We pinned the murders on him. Actually, it kind of already seemed like he done it himself. Like…nobody believed that he was at home. Of course, we knew that but we ain't about to stick up for him. This was like, killing two birds with one stone, really. Haha, get it? Like, killing…with one…yeah…." Carlos stopped talking upon realizing nobody found it appropriate to be joking about.

His eyes squinted and his faced tensed up and he said, "…Doll? You okay, buddy?"

I shook my head. "I don't know."

Great. _Another _thing that I didn't know…

* * *

Note: So, I actually kind of liked this chapter. Doll is SO much easier to write than Kendall. I actually banged this out literally in about 20 minutes. so i'm quite excited about it, because i've been working on TWDTA for DAYS. (no pun intended. d: ) anyway. thanks for reading! (:


	10. 5 Kendall

Thought: SO! It's late and this is kind of rushed, but I wanted to update like, last week. IIII'm going to the beach tomorrow (well, technically today) with my very hot and cuddly Macedonian coworker. Wish me luck. (:

* * *

I was walking Doll home with the change of plans that I didn't really approve of. I didn't have a choice, there was no way I was letting Logan anywhere near Wayne's, and since he wasn't going to just go home without me, I didn't have the choice.

Logan's mom was shaking with tears when we got home, she made Logan promise to _never_ do that again, yadda yadda yadda, and I told her everything was okay, it always had been, and to stop crying and get her ass to bed. It was late. I didn't really have time to worry about her; Doll was friggin crazy.

I knew, though, for a while, that there was something wrong with him. The way he looked and talked and thought; he was so _different_ than _everybody_. And, I mean, I know everybody's different, not just Loges. But he was _real_ different…like, he had voices in his head, it seemed like. It was almost like he believed them over everything else. _everybody_ has a voice in their head, it's called a conscience. Logan was different. It seemed as though they were his dictators.

I led him into the bathroom, lightly holding his hand. I checked him, and double checked him, making sure he wasn't seriously hurt. His nose wasn't bleeding anymore, nor was it crooked, his eyes were blackened, he had a few scratches here and there. He winced slightly when I touched his ribs, so they were obviously bruised. I was so mad. I really wished I could have killed those assholes myself. I hadn't hurt Logan in a long time, and I'd be lying if I said I was mad. I knew the reason why I did what I did, and it didn't matter to anybody else. But I knew that the reason other people wanted to hurt him wasn't the same as mine.

I gently cleaned his wounds and wiped the blood off of him, getting the stained clothes off of him and helping into something more cozy. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than what he was, but he didn't seem to be really appreciating what I was doing. He seemed rather concerned, though, and eventually, he seemed worried. I hadn't said anything to him in a while, and he looked really heartbroken, although, I didn't think I'd ever know the reason why.

"Kendall," he said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening, please don't hate me. I love you, I do, I love you, why do you hate me? Oh, don't hate me…"

He'd started crying, and I was so shocked by what was going on that I subconsciously decided to let him vent this out till he couldn't speak anymore.

"…_please _don't hate me, I don't know what I'd do without you, I can't do this, I can't do this, please, please don't leave me anymore, I love you and I love you and I love you. I don't want you to hate me anymore, please, tell me what I have to do to make it so you don't hate me? Please…just…trust me, please. I just want you to trust me…I'll try to change, I'll try to shut up, I promise, but, don't hate me, don't, don't, don't…"

I couldn't stand to watch him struggle anymore. I couldn't stand to watch him search for words that he couldn't get out because he was crying so hard. I reached out and wiped his tears, they were warm and fresh against my fingers. He snapped out of it and looked into my eyes, and I didn't really like it. I said to him in a gentle voice, "Doll, I _do_ love you, I've _always_ loved you. You're the BEST thing that has _ever_ happened to me…"

I wished he'd just realize that. I wished he wouldn't think I hated him, I didn't even hate him when I was torturing him! I just knew, I knew he was the one. I knew I was destined for him, and I knew the only way to have him imprinted in my life and getting him on my level was to treat him the way I was treated. And I did that. I still friggin loved him.

"No matter what happened today, Doll, no matter what happened yesterday, or last week, or last year, or four years ago. I love you. I fucking love you. You've never left my mind since the day I met you, you're all I think about. I'm literally crazy about you. I've _never truly_ hated you. Please try to calm down, baby, okay? You're scaring me and I don't like it…"

He was crying harder, and it made me more nervous. I wasn't real good with this kind of stuff and I think it was me that made him cry harder. He was panicky, and I didn't like that. I wanted him to just stop crying, but I felt like if I said anything else, he'd freak even worse. I didn't want to say anything to make him cry harder, because he was borderline heart attack; I'd never in my life seen anything like it. It hurt my heart and it was the first time in a long time I could honestly say that. He started gagging, and it was a good thing we were in the bathroom because the next thing I knew, his head was in the toilet and he was friggin spewing his guts.

He had gotten himself worked up.

I didn't think it was the fact that he killed two people that made him sick, and I think _that's_ what made him sick. Or maybe it was me being sickeningly sweet. Or maybe it was those crazy voices in his head. But no matter what it was, it didn't stop me from trying to comfort him. I don't know how long it'd take for him to believe me, for him to believe that I really, honestly loved him more than I ever loved anyone or anything. I rubbed circles on his back and his body was shaking so hard that I'd thought he was having a seizure if I didn't know better.

He wasn't helping anything. In fact, he was making it worse because with everything he said, Dank and Nell made retaliations. Kendall was lying, he was never telling the truth. He never truly loved me, that's what they said. He was lying, I never left his mind because he was thinking about how much he hated me, how much he loathed me and wished I was dead. Which is why he tried to kill me. Which is why he wasn't mad about me being a murderer, because I was going to get locked up in jail for life and he wouldn't have to worry about seeing my face anymore.

Then, he'd looked up at me, his cheeks red and flushed, his eyes puffy, his voice almost gone, he said, "If you hate me so badly, please just leave. Please leave because you hate me and this is my house and I don't want you to have to suffer and be near me anymore. Please…Kendall…this joke isn't funny anymore. You can't just stab me and jump me and try to drown me and then come back for round four and break my heart, I can't handle this anymore. I can't. I don't want to do this anymore…"

I was honestly _hating_ myself right then. That's what he thought? I always knew deep down that I was the one who did this to him…and now I didn't know how I could ever forgive myself. I didn't know how I could ever be okay with what happened. Doll…he was soemotionally _fucked _up because of me. I didn't know how to fix this. And it friggin scared me. _Doll_ friggin scared me.

I shook my head quickly, panicking, trying to say anything that would convince him that I completely opposite of hated him. Doll and hate wasn't even allowed in the same sentence unless it was just to say that it's not possible. 'Cause it's not. I can't hate him, he's my baby, he's my doll. I had to heal what I broke. I had to get him to know that I loved him. I love him. So much. It was at the point where I would refuse to live without him.

"Doll, Doll, Doll, stop it please, _please_ don't say things like that. I'm not joking…honest to God…I love you, I just wish you would realize that…WHAT can I do to make you realize that! I'll do ANYTHING for you!"

"…just…just love me…"

I sighed, tired, "…I _do._" I was tired of this same game; I felt like I'd said this before. I wasn't sure how many times I'd have to say that I love him before he'd believe me, but I'd do it every second of every day if that was what it'd take. I knew I couldn't change the past. I knew that what does not kill us only makes us stronger. But this was murderous.

James and Carlos let themselves in, Carlos doing so for the first in a _long_ time. "Wayne's been arrested," James stated, his voice low.

"We pinned the murders on him. Actually, it kind of already seemed like he done it himself. Like…nobody believed that he was at home. Of course, we knew that but we ain't about to stick up for him. This was like, killing two birds with one stone, really. Haha, get it? Like, killing…with one…yeah…." I gave him a glare and he stalked talking.

Carlos looked at Doll and said, "…Doll? You okay, buddy?"

He shook his head, his body still shaking but he'd stopped sobbing, clearly embarrassed by having an audience. "I don't know," he said.

I sighed and looked at him. He looked drained, and he closed his eyes. I swallowed hard, pressing my lips hard together. This had been one long, _hell_ of a night, and I was ready to put it behind me. I was ready to let Wayne go to jail for the crime; I was ready to talk Doll through it. But James and Carlos couldn't be around. I had things to work on him with by myself. My own demons with him; me. Being what caused all of this.

I stood up and lifted Doll to his feet, keeping him close to me. I looked at my friends. "Sleep on the couch," I said to them; "You weren't seen, were you?" I asked, keeping my voice softly.

"Negative," James said, his voice just as low.

I gave a quick nod and went to Doll's room with him, and Carlos and James went to the living room to sleep on the couch, as they were told. I laid next to Logan as I forced him to fall into me. "I love you," I said to him.

"I love you," he said back, "so much…"

"I want you to stop thinking that I hate you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. …more than _anything_. More than air. More than life itself. I'd kill for you, I'd die for you. I'd do it just to see you smile. If it's _me_ that has to go, Doll, I swear to God I will if it'll make you happy. I just want you to be happy…you are the _best_ thing that has ever happened to me."

I was met with silence.

"Dolly…tell me how to fix this."

He sighed. "I don't know…I just…it just…I can't…this isn't…I'm just…confused."

I had to nod and say, "Yeah, me too… tell me what goes on in that head of yours."

His body tensed. "…I hear voices. All the time. They're…_mean_. They tell me things…sometimes I say them without even knowing it. They're usually always about you. They tell me that you hate me, and I just…believe them. It's like a natural reaction that I can't fight; it's like I'm stuck in a dream because when I wake up, we're back to reality. That world where you wanted to kill me."

"That's the thing, baby. I didn't want to kill you -"

"_Why_, then! Why'd you do that to me? Did I honestly deserve that?"

I wanted to cry myself but I didn't. I stayed strong. I shook my head and said, "No. Nobody deserves that. I'll never understand my thought process, Doll, and it scares me. But…I don't understand your thought process either. And it makes me think that I've _never_ understood you, but I still love you. I've always loved you. I don't- you know how in those cleech movies, the boys always pick on the girls they like?"

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Doll laughed. "So you're calling me a little girl?"

"No…I'm…comparing you to a little girl. But that's what it is. I just…I don't know. I was marking my territory, maybe. But you were mine. You _are _mine. And I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did. I love you, you know? Well, I don't think you know because you seem to think I hate you…I don't. I _never_ have. Don't let those voices in your head tell you anything else, just listen to me. Listen to _my_ voice."

"I try to."

"It's all I want you to do. I don't know what it is, man, but, I gotta tell you. You're kinda my baby, and we're kind of…together. And I don't want my baby thinking I hate him, you know? It kind of defeats the whole purpose…we can't change the past, no matter how hard we wish we could. I wish I could. You gotta believe that I want what's best for you, I want happiness for you. Is it _me_? I mean…you forgave me…didn't you?"

He turned to face me suddenly, surprising me. "I was never even mad."

I chuckled, "Well, I mean, you could have fooled me with all the-"

"I'm stubborn and I _thought_ I was mad, but looking back, I wasn't. I was just scared. I knew a long time ago I loved you, but I didn't want to believe that because of what you did to me, but you made me stronger. You did, and I'm suffering now because my mind's just confused because it spent so long thinking it hated you, when it really loved you. I hate this. I wish it was just me, but those voices. I tell them to shut up and they don't. I don't know what to do anymore. You said you'd help, remember? You said you were always there?"

I nodded. "Because I am. I'm right here, always. I'll help you, I'll do anything for you. I was just waiting for the okay."

"…Kendall?"

"Yeah, Doll?"

"It's okay…I need help."

* * *

Note: Yes. That whole conversation happened while they were in bed. Cute, right? Next chapter will be Logan's version of that, then we'll get to what Kendall plans on doing. Thanks for reading! (:


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